It's been a long, up and down week. So I decided that after Monkey went to bed, I'd set out for
Today's New Activity: Date with Self. No, I Mean Real Date...
As in the movies and Starbucks on Saturday night. As in, packed movie theater for 50/50, a movie that just came out this weekend (great date movie, as I'd come to learn, but also a great movie to watch by yourself).
Here's the thing: I've never really believed it's somehow brave or strange to go to the movies by one's self, even on a weekend night when people are likely to assume you got stood up. But this week in particular I needed to revisit the feeling of independence that comes along with it. I needed to remind myself that I'm okay with who I am/where I am/the lack of knowing why I am.
I don't write about this sort of thing often, mostly because it's unpleasant for me and makes me feel like a loser, but I definitely struggle with my share of insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. And this week was rife with such moments of self-doubt and even a few pretty low lows. Most of the time I am able to just hang out with those feelings until they pass, until I can think through them, reason through them, or even just muck through them and eventually feel better. And while it did work out that way this week in some sense, I also felt particularly lost, particularly dissatisfied with my (lack of) accomplishments, and particularly unappealing all the way around.
So I did what you do. I went to the gym. I spent time with my son. I worked. I just did the stuff. You know...the stuff you do. Some of the time I felt good. Some of the time I felt bad. This is life, right? This is life, exactly.
And by the end of my work shift today I was really, really liking the idea of escaping to a movie theater to let a story be told, to take me somewhere else entirely.
It turned out the movie addressed the issue of mortality. And in one scene in particular, taking place the day before the main character is set to have a major operation, there was a beautiful light streaming through the trees, and you knew the character was taking in all the beauty of the world even as he wondered if this day will be his last. And I decided (all over again), that every day must be lived in this way. As if it were my last.
Amazing how a mood can change just like that. I guess I was already feeling pretty good by this afternoon, but that singular moment in that movie just kind of sealed the deal for me. Yes, there is time for being sad and feeling like you suck and for complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. Let those be the briefest of moments for me. There's just too much out there to be happy about.
By the time I'd spent an hour reading at Starbucks afterward and was on my way home, I was in the best spirits I'd been in all way. If only all dates could go that well :)