The GGA Project -- Day #217 "Siiiiiiiiiick"

Not siiiiiiick as in awesome, siiiiiiiick as in sick.  For real sick.  Yuck.


I started work at 9 this morning.  And was gone by 10:15.


Today's New Activity: The Stop/Start Workday


There was nothing exciting about this; it was just different.


The only thing that kept me from calling in sick today was that I was the only person at opening and there's a responsibility I have at closing time most days that only I'm allowed to do.  I asked my boss if I could leave and come back later, and thankfully she agreed.  I'd been having a really hard time standing and trying to smile at people.


So I took off and rested for the majority of the open hours and came back close to closing time just to finish up and take care of the thing I have to do, thereby skipping most of the standing and talking and smiling part.  It didn't cure me of the sick of course, but it cured me of the other type of nausea, which comes from a result of faking happy all day long.  I appreciated that.

The GGA Project -- Day #202 "New York by way of Afghanistan"

Today my boss was hit with the news of our branch's 2nd quarter sales targets.  Having had the experience of working in management, I know that it's no shock to be handed a goal that is seemingly impossible to reach.  Upper management likes to mix things up, make sure everybody is on their toes, and--of course--ensure the company remains profitable.  The jump from last quarter to this quarter is on the crazy side, however, even taking all that into account, and I think my boss was feeling the pressure.


She did what any good boss would do in this scenario and decided to start the period off right by thanking us for reaching our target last quarter and motivate us to try for a repeat performance.  The thanks came in the form of


Today's New Activity: "Typical Afghan-Style" New York Pizza


My boss is from Afghanistan, as are a few other employees, and they all confirmed that New York Pizza--a new, Afghan-owned restaurant around the corner from our branch--serves what is apparently a type of pizza particular to the region.  I'm not sure if this is one franchise in the chain called New York Pizza, but it didn't sound like it.

Anyway, it was super good!  And super huge too.  It was by far the biggest pizza I've ever seen.  And since between the 7 of us working yesterday there were 3 non-pork eaters and 2 vegetarians, she ordered a veggie pizza.  I think it says something about my growth in all areas that--for the first time I can remember--I didn't pick a single mushroom or olive off (which I've traditionally only been able to handle in small doses).  Or maybe it just said something for the perfectly proportioned toppings they served.  Whatever the case, it was one of the best pizza experiences I've had, even if the sauce was a little tart for my taste.


But if this is what typical Afghan-style pizza is, I think I'm in the right place, working in a town whose nickname is Little Kabul.

The GGA Project -- Day #195 "Cherish the Love, Cherish the Life"

I went back to work when Monkey was just shy of 6-months old.  At the time, it was difficult--namely because I'd hoped to be a stay-at-home mom and I wasn't really mentally prepared for the change of being away from him.  However, as humans do, I adjusted to this change.

I was hired to work 20 hours/per week, but have now and then had to work a more full-time schedule to cover shortages, etc.  This has never been as much a problem as it became in the past 6 weeks, since I now spend more time commuting and, hence, more time than I ever have away from my son.  Even when I was working 20 hours/week, it was spread over 4 or 5 days, so I still spent a lot of time getting ready for work or driving to and from.  It's been nothing short of painful to hear all the stories from my Mom and Dad about what I missed while I was away.  It has finally become so clear to me why parents of grown children are always advising young parents to enjoy the time; it goes so quickly.

Twice I was close to just up and quitting, hoping I could find a part-time gig closer to home.  But the thing is, there are certain things I really like about my job.  The benefits are great, and I absolutely love having evenings and Sundays off.  If I could just manage to do it only three days a week, things would be perfect.  I'd have to cut corners and stay creative with money, but that would be well worth it for the chance to have so much time with Monkey.  I've spent my whole life working full time and at various times working two jobs.  And this time with him will be over before I know it.  I have to do everything I can to guard it closely.

Today: a breakthrough.

The reason we were short staffed for so long is that a woman went on family medical leave and, with two weeks left before her return, somebody mysteriously disappeared one day.  The woman on leave was asked to come back early to cover the shortage, but that still left us down one person.  It's taken a month to get that position filled, but it finally happened today, and my heart leaped for joy when I saw the new schedule, which has me working--finally--21 hours/week, all squished into 3 days.  Ahhhhhhhh.

Today's New Activity: Good News, Renewed Appreciation

What I loved about the feeling I had in response to today's news was that I know I would have never known how precious my time with Monkey is had it not been temporarily snatched from me.  I feel like, having had that gaping hole there for a couple of months (or really what feel like the better part of the past year, off and on), I have a more profound appreciation for the fleeting nature of this period in a mother/child relationship.  I'm hoping that having learned this lesson, I will live every day with more gratitude for the blessing I have in my son, and for the living situation I have with my parents, which allows me to work part time and spend as much time with him as possible.

I spent the day dreaming of all the places I can take him to now and all the things I won't have to hear about second hand.

And tonight, with all these thoughts swirling in my head, I had the hardest time saying goodnight to him.  We did our nighttime reading and snuggling things, and at the point where I would normally put him into his crib for the night, I found myself gazing at him and thinking that the magnitude of joy he brings me will never be measurable and could never be overstated.  And when I was finally ready to put him down for the night, and I picked him up and he leaned his head on my shoulder and patted my back, I allowed myself to imagine he knew what I knew in that moment--that these days are to be treated with the deepest regard.

I held him tight against my chest and gave thanks.

And then, cheesiest of cheese: the Kool and the Gang song "Cherish" popped into my head.  That song about two lovers, but with a little bit of lyrical reimagining, I was able to appreciate it in a new light.  The message is an important one:  Cherish the love we have, for as long as we both shall live.  Cherish the love, cherish the life, cherish the love.  It's sweet, really.

I'm gonna take that advice.

The GGA Project -- Day #188 "Vested Interest"

I was spoiled by the experience of working for Barnes & Noble.  I've mentioned before that I made a lot of friends there who are still a big part of my life.  It was amazing to me that a store that at times employed 55-70 people could make the machine run with so little drama or gossip.  I've worked at 9-employee outfits where managing the personnel was a bigger issue.  My friend Nessa, who is the longest-running BN employee I'm friends with and I have 62 friends in common, according to Facebook.  Now, this does include siblings and good friends of employees who were brought into the folds, but that makes it all that much better.  It really was--and in certain ways continues to be--one big, happy family.


It stands to reason that employment opportunities like that don't come along all the time.  And I certainly wouldn't advise working any kind of retail long term if you're looking to become wealthy or like the idea of having your weekends free.  The perks associated with working at the bookstore were more intrinsic than tangible, but there was a lot to be said for them.


First of all, people who work in bookstores like to read.  Duh.  The thing is, after so long working in the bookstore, it's easy to begin assuming that most people like to read.  But 5 minutes working elsewhere are enough to disabuse a former-employee of that notion.


Secondly, working at a place with so many employees (especially employees who are generally curious and informed) ensures a lot of interesting conversation.  And since there is such a wide variety of interests, which often get shared and adopted by others, the whole crew is somewhat well-rounded.  I know I sound like I'm waxing a bit nostalgic (and for certain I am), but I can honestly say that the difference between working at Barnes & Noble and working anywhere else I've worked has been stark.  I miss those days well and truly.


Since joining my new company, I haven't made any new friends.  In the beginning, I wasn't even interested in making new friends.  I was very sad about going back to work after having Monkey in the first place, and I was also stress-out about what was going on at home at the time.  I didn't even think about socializing with my co-workers, but I suspect that even if I had, I wouldn't have found much opportunity.  I'd yet to connect on any substantial level with any of my fellow employees save one, who was also going through a difficult marital situation.  But even that was a pretty surface-level connection.  I simply hadn't found anybody at work with similar interests or overlapping senses of humor.  Apparently the common denominator among people who work at banks--if any--is merely the necessity of having need and found a job.


When I transferred to my new branch (going on 3 months ago now) I breathed half a sigh of relief.  My managers were much more approachable and relaxed than any of those at my former branch, and the whole vibe in the branch was more friendly and customer service-oriented.  Already things were looking better.  We laugh a lot throughout the day, and I didn't find the level kind of stress and looking-over-of-shoulders that was so prevalent before.


Still, I'd yet to make a significant connection or have much of a desire to hang out with any coworkers outside of work.


Today's New Activity: One Step Closer to Friendship at Work


Two days ago we found out my Assistant Manager had been transferred to another branch, effective next week.  So we quick threw together a goodbye dinner for tonight to take place at BJ's right after work.  It was nice to see that everyone cared enough to show up, even the banker who was off for the day.  We had a nice time and sent my manager off fondly and with appreciation.


And the extra nice part was that the hangout extended beyond dinner.  It was just a beer and about 1 1/2 of talking, but it was a refreshing break from the corporate banking environment that typically casts its looming shadow over any interesting conversation that could be happening at work.  It was nice to laugh freely without worrying about stopping when the next customer appeared.  And it was also nice to be able to finally know a little something more about my coworkers' (real) lives.


Or maybe, it was just nice to be emotionally ready to care.


It's difficult to work day-by-day alongside people in whom you have invested very little time or emotional energy.  It's taxing to make small talk and keep up a work-appropriate front.  And though I know all that will continue during working hours, I liked getting a peek into my coworkers' interests and even just to know how they dress when they're not in the standard-issue work duds.


And while I don't think it's likely I'll make the kinds of friends at my current job that I made at the bookstore, I could definitely get used to tonight's new level of familiarity.

The GGA Project -- Day #187 "The Buzz"

This is a quickie.


Today's New Activity: Afternoon Pick-me Up


Last week my boss came in to work with a cup of iced Vietnamese coffee.  If you've never tasted a cup f pure joy, you've never ordered a Vietnamese coffee.  It is just espresso and sweetened (make that SUPER sweetened) condensed milk over ice, but I swear it is the most brilliant thing ever poured.


It's been a long long time since I've had one, so I'd mentioned that I'd love for him to pick me up one next time he went (there are no Vietnamese restaurants or coffee shops in the area) and then promptly forgot about it.


Apparently he bought one for me this morning and then promptly forgot about it himself.  But this afternoon he busted it out of the fridge, with "oh!  And I forgot this!"  It was one of the best surprises ever.  It came right at the super boring, low point in the afternoon and instantly transformed my mood.  I'm pretty sure every afternoon would be better if it included this special treat, so I'm going to find away to make that happen once in a while.


And more bosses would be smart to provide Vietnamese coffees to their employees.  I'm pretty sure I've never moved the line faster or been quicker to close up shop.  I was even eager to do all the clean up following a networking event our bank hosted in the afternoon.  :)


Mmmmm.......coffeeeeeeeee......

The GGA Project -- Day #177 "Hold it....Hold it..."

Ok, I think this definitely belongs in the Not-Exciting-and-of-Interest-to-me-Alone category, but it was a mark of progress for me, so I'm sharing in.


In keeping with the trend I started the other day being direct and honest with my friend, I had a minor confrontation with a co-worker today after I called her on something she'd been doing for a while that was causing a lot more work for me.  I expressed this to her, and then worked uncomfortably by her side in the silence that followed.


The 1.0 version of me would have immediately apologized or softened what I said with a "hey I wouldn't normally mind but," (even though I would have totally minded and have often in the past) or "sorry I hope that didn't come across as rude, but..." (even though I wasn't rude at all, just direct)  Wishy washy!  The thing is, I don't like wishy washiness in other people.  Why have I been this way for so long?!


Today's New Activity: Letting the Honesty Sit


I'm telling you, this progress happens slowly, and very painfully.  I stood there biting my tongue for a full half hour, trying to keep myself from apologizing (even in an implied way) when I knew I had every right to be upset.  I've always had a difficult time with people being mad at me, and I have been especially prone to guilt trips and manipulation on the part of people who knew this about me and exploited it.  I have never, ever in the past allowed myself to express my own anger and to just let it hang out there all raw and exposed.


And I don't like anger.  It's ugly and unpleasant, and not something I feel very often.  But once in a while I feel angry for what I know is a good reason and I find myself apologizing for even feeling it.  On the incredibly rare occasion that I dare to express it, the guilt I feel is unbearable and I have to do something to alleviate it.


Well, that's how it's been in the past, anyway.


Though I had a really hard time with it, I did manage to keep myself from withdrawing my original remark and kept reminding myself that normal people are not always happy with everything that happens in life, and normal people know it's not only within their right, but actually healthier to express it when they're upset.


Now I want to be clear that I think it's always important to be fair, tactful, sensitive, and mature when expressing anger--inasmuch as that's possible, and when speaking about adults it does not seem too much to ask....there's no need to just go off on people or lose control or be cruel.  But all that said (and I know this is a tall order), I am truly challenging myself to stop feeling guilty about being honest when things are upsetting or hurtful to me.  It's the craziest thing to feel angry and then feel bad because my anger has upset somebody else.  That's just a double whammy I no longer feel the need to take on and carry around with me.

The GGA Project -- Day #157 "I Could Get Used to This"

This morning I had a meeting with a contact whom a friend put me in touch with...it was a preliminary meeting about a project I want to work on.  I met this contact at his place of work, and upon my arrival the receptionist ushered me into a conference room that was like something out of a movie.  It was a large space with something of a view (we were on the 5th floor of an office building) and it had big cushy chairs and sleek-looking video conferencing equipment.  I arrived early, so I had about 10 minutes to myself in this room during which to think.


Today's New Activity: Conference Room Daydream


As I sat waiting for my meeting to start, I looked around the conference room and thought that I would like to spend more time in places like it.  Okay, I know a lot of people would read that and think I'm a lunatic.  People bring their laptops, their snacks and their coffee, their Blackberries and iPhones and whatever else they can sneak into conference rooms just to entertain and keep themselves from falling asleep during meetings.  I'm sure plenty of people would be overjoyed if they never spent another minute of their lives in a conference room.


But for me this conference room was more than just a conference room.  It represented something more, the act of dreaming of something more.  What appealed to me was the idea of sitting in a room filled with intelligent people, of brainstorming with them, and of finding challenge in my work.  It represented the idea of growth in an area of my life where I've never really pushed myself to grow.  It represented the thought of washing my hands of the retail and service industries and believing in my potential.


I must sound like Little Miss Broken Record, always ruminating on work as a concept, but it's heavy on my mind, what can I say?  Today I had the feeling that I could get used to having a place at a table like the one at which I was seated.  And for however long that would serve to help me grow in my life, I'd like to think I'd enjoy and make the most it.

The GGA Project -- Day #103 "Serenade"

Today we here in NorCal received the continuation of revenge winter, which has been anticipated since January, the entirety of which was spent sipping a collective Mai Tai at the beach.  It was day 5 or 6 of what's supposed to be a 10-day rainy streak, and today seemed the most violently wet day yet (although a giant tree in my neighborhood was uprooted last Sunday, blocking the entire exit road--the sight of it, so many years of growth just dead in an instant like that almost made me cry).


It was no surprise that nobody but the insane or extremely bored or overdue on a credit card payment would have ventured out to the bank today, and it made for a very long, very sleepirific shift.  The slow passing of time, coupled with my lack of sleep after catching a late movie last night, combined to leave me yearning for a nap by lunchtime.  While I new falling asleep (after just having finished drinking a latte) was out of the question, it did seem like the perfect circumstances for


Today's New Activity: Lunchtime Rain Lullaby


Of course I don't have to tell you that few things rival the sound and/or smell of falling rain in terms of sensory experience.  One of my favorite memories of my entire life was napping with the window open to the sound of falling rain, during monsoon season when I lived in Arizona.  I thought today would be a good day to escape the breakroom fluorescent lighting I've mentioned and enjoy the rain from inside my car.


I got under a blanket that I keep in there for Monkey, all warm and cozy-like, and just closed my eyes and listened.

After a while spent in this way it was pretty much torture to tear myself away and head back to work, but at least I felt refreshed.  Now if only the sound and smell of rain could come without all the pesky wetness...

The GGA Project -- Day #96 "Mini- R and R"

Break periods at my place of work are 10 minutes long.  Brutal!  While it can be a tiny bit of pause in the action to look forward to, it usually feels as though I've just sat down and it's time to go to work again.  It's a tease, a dangling carrot, a wetting of the lips in the midst of a vast desert.

Still, it's a break.

By the time the afternoon break rolls around I am feeling pretty tired of standing on my feet all day and ready to munch down whatever sweet snack I've squirreled away for the occasion.  The sweet snack is never very satisfying though.  It does the opposite of what I need done at the moment, which would be to have some kind of break that leaves me feeling simultaneously relaxed, refreshed, and energized.

Bring on

Today's New Activity: Unguided Meditation Break

Today I avoided the torture-fest that is the break room t.v., which usually streams wannabe judge shows all day long.  I wanted to get away from noise of any kind.  Since my branch got robbed three times in the fourth quarter of last year, they've put up super-thick bulletproof barriers that make it very difficult for customers to hear us talking.  As a result, I end up practically shouting all the time.  It can be pretty tiring on my voice and on my own ears.  I just wanted peeaaaace!

I stole away into a little room we call the "peep room."  I have no idea why we call it that...the name makes it sound a lot more tantalizing than it actually is.  All we keep in there are boxes of old files.  So I set the timer on my phone for ten minutes, turned the lights down in there, sat down and put my feet up, and set about to relax.  My only goal was to keep my eyes closed and breathe deeply.  Simple enough, right?

It can be kind of hard to relax when you're being timed at it, but still I was able to gather some good mojo in that brief period.  I didn't bother trying to clear my mind of everything.  That is not only pretty impossible, I don't really feel the need to.  I *like* the stuff in there.  So I did just the opposite in fact.  I took the opportunity to let my mind wander to all the places I'd love the let it loose in if I weren't promised to spending the day thinking about banking transactions.

Ten minutes isn't enough time to inadvertently get too caught up, or to fall asleep.  It was just enough time to--for the first time ever on this job I think--actually get rejuvenated during break time.  I have to say it was disappointing and sad when my timer went off and ruined my fun, but I think I've discovered the best possible way to pass the afternoon respite.  Finally!

The GGA Project -- Day #90 "Left Behind"

In what was probably the biggest splurge of my life, I bought an iPhone about 5 months ago.  At the time, I wasn't even all that excited about apps or anything.  I just liked the idea of a smart phone that would let me access e-mail and that allowed me to type out texts without the pain of multi-letter digit madness.  Also, iPhones are just pretty--so sleek and simple.


For a while (and by a while I mean maybe a week or so), I managed to avoid developing the attachment to my phone that so many people warned against.  If anything, I was addicted to Angry Birds and would steal away little moments to fling birds at piggies, but it wasn't something I couldn't live without, even for long stretches of time (and by long stretches I mean four hours, max).


Before long, however, I was hooked.  I got tuned into the phone's every noise, responding to each with the consistency of Pavlov's dogs.  I answered every text immediately and jumped to check out every Facebook update or e-mail my phone sent through.


Before I got my new phone, I'd considered working hours to be for working alone, left my phone in my purse in my locker, and was genuinely curious/annoyed by my co-workers' clinically diagnosable attachments to their phones.  It awed me that people could not live two hours without access to communication with the world outside.  That is, of course, until I became one of them.


I tuck my phone into a cozy little spot in a drawer I have to access all the time anyway, so I can get my little fix without behaving in ways that are too odd.  Typing that now I feel like The Biggest Loser (in the loser sense, not the fatty sense).


A few days ago I recognized that I was beginning to get mentally annoyed with customers for coming into the bank and interrupting my all important text conversations.


Whoah.  That belonged in the "You Know You've Crossed a Line When..." file.  Time to make a change.


Today's New Activity: Restricting iPhone Access, Reclaiming Sanity


It probably helped that I only worked a four-hour shift today, allowing me to ween myself slowly and with fewer jitters of withdrawal.  But still I have to say it was tough.  I admit I've gotten a bit of the affliction I see in people about 5 years younger than me and younger---those who had cell phones through their high school years.  It has become increasingly more difficult for me to focus on only one thing at a time.  I am more easily bored than I used to be, and have been spending less and less time just sitting quietly and thinking...one of my favorite former hobbies.


While I never want to be completely out-of-the-loop, or a luddite, I appreciate and admire the people I know who can still be happy with a slower, more thoughtful pace, and who don't constantly have the need to be plugged into something;  I'm striving to get back to that point myself.


Leaving my phone behind today was a good exercise.  Responding to the phone's noises and answering texts all the time is a pretty unsatisfying and even stressful way to go through the day.  With my phone far, far away, I was able to focus all my attention on the people around me, on the extra things I could be doing in between customers, and on the big bag of Almond Hershey Kisses Geisell had left up for grabs.  Much nicer way to pass an afternoon...

The GGA Project -- Day #74 "Dessert Consolation"

My job is just about as boring as jobs come.  Ok, toll booth operator may be a smidge bit more boring--it's almost better because at least the steady stream of traffic would keep a person more alert than the trickle of customers where I work keeps me, but ultimately my job wins simply because at least I have time to actually talk to customers, and my coworkers also manage to make it interesting now and then.


Geisell is by far the most likely person to brighten my day and keep me entertained.  When she's working I really don't care at all what else happens.  There will always be something to talk about and laugh about, and she is never moody or withdrawn.  It's especially great that her work station happens to be right next to mine, and on the days when she's off and I'm working, her absence is strongly felt.  I about went crazy when she was on maternity leave and that bright spot of sunshine was so thoroughly removed.


Since Geisell is from Nicaragua, I thought she could offer some great GGA cooking opportunities, and the other day I told her about the project, asking if I could come over to her house and learn a thing or two about traditional Nicaraguan recipes.


This was her response:  "I would love to except that I don't know how to make any."  This was surprising since she's always talking about cooking for her kids, but I guess she doesn't make them any dishes from back home.  As an afterthought makeup offer, however, she busted out with this: "I could give you the recipe for Mexican flan though."


Your reaction to that sentence (although I'm sure a lot is lost given that you can't hear her cute accent as she said it) will tell you a lot about how similar or dissimilar our respective writer/reader senses of humor are.  Because that offer made me laugh so hard I had to sit down.  She was laughing too, and when we get going together it's kinda like a moving freight train...difficult to slow.


This struck me as funny on two levels.  First, the idea that she doesn't have any traditional recipes from her own country but has one from another is kinda goofy.  But even better is the fact that the recipe is for flan (of all things) which, to me, has got to be one of the least tasty and even boring recipes Mexico has to offer.


But I decided to take her up on the offer, even though I don't really care for flan, pretty much because I'm positive the monkey will love it.


Today's New Activity: Making the World's Second-Jiggliest Dessert


I hesitate to share the recipe here, since the flan is still chillin' in the fridge until tomorrow and I'm not sure how it'll turn out (there was some confusion on my part as to whether the "spoons" Geisell described for ingredient measurements were teaspoons or tablespoons, so it's best I do a taste test before I potentially kill anybody with vanilla extract poisoning).


The recipe was pretty simple and easy enough to execute.  I had some doubt about her description on how to make the sweet topping you always get on a serving of flan.  Apparently all you do to make it is heat straight sugar in a pan until it melts.  It melts!  Did you know that?  Cuz I didn't until today.


Anyway, I was lacking some finesse in the step that followed, which Geisell had warned me to be careful about.  It gets tricky when the cool flan mixture meets the very warm melted topping on the bottom of the pan used to house the whole operation during the cooling process.  I failed and it bubbled strangely.  I'll have to see how it tastes tomorrow and then ask her again how to do it right.


This is how it looks for now.