A few months back I mentioned doing a Facebook friend sweep, unfriending the people with whom I'd had no actual contact since accepting or sending a friend request. I did this, mainly, because I tend to share a fair amount on the site, and I felt it was disingenuous of me to have "friends" know things about me that I wouldn't share with them should I see them in person, which would never happen as it would with a real friend. I suspect most of the people didn't even notice the unfriending, which is better, since I didn't mean to be hurtful...I just didn't want to be phony.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when a very generous and kind, supportive action on the part of one of these recently unfriended friends--coming as a total surprise--caused me a bit of sweeper's remorse.
Today's New Activity: Tail-Between-the-Legs 2nd Request
I was touched by and grateful for my friend's outreaching, and though I suspected he never noticed we weren't still "friends" (the thing he did happened via a mutual friend's Facebook account), I wanted to reach back. The problem is, when you unfriend somebody on Facebook, you can't just decide you're friends again. You have to send a new request. And I thought that was a perfect opportunity for me to write a message to reconnect, catch up, and explain why I'd unfriended in the first place. Because with this particular friend, it was more than just lack of contact...I'd convinced myself that he didn't want to associate with me, even though there was nothing about him that should have caused me to imagine that.
Perfect opportunity for a little honest sharing and clearing of the air. It turns out there was nothing of the sort going on. And you know what? I've found there almost never is (because the past year has found me checking in with a few different people whom I'd made assumptions about or who I'd thought were judging me)! And even in the cases where there is, I've finally realized how much better it is to just suck it up and have a somewhat uncomfortable conversation and KNOW (even if there is some actual air clearing to be done) than to sit and wonder and imagine things in your mind.
Learning, learning, learning...
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
11.26.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #350 "In With the Old..."
Feel me, ladies: it's hard to make new girlfriends, right?
I mean, it's easy to make acquaintances, easy to make little connections here and there, but the idea of making an actual girlfriend, especially at this point in my life...I don't know. I think it's tough. In the past I've been able to make new friends through work. And a lot of those friendships have stuck, withstanding marriages and children and all. But it's been years since I made a new, actual hangout girlfriend, at work or otherwise.
Today's New Activity: ...In With the New (Friends)
Today I asked one of my coworkers if she wanted to join me in celebrating two of my friends' birthdays. What was different for me about this was that I not only reached out to spend time outside of work with a woman whom I could easily see becoming a bona fide girlfriend, but that I brought her into a realm where former co-workers and long-established friends were. A former version of me would have never done this.
I know other people don't struggle with this at all. They mix up all their friends and don't give even a second's thought to how certain of their friends reflect on who they are or how they'll be perceived (or re-perceived) by the other friend(s). But I've finally realized and accepted that I alone am responsible for how others perceive me. My friends are my friends because they are good people whom I've come to know and accept and appreciate. And that's it. Personality differences and variations in humor or interests or demeanor or appearance are irrelevant. Anybody I'd want to be friends with would know this much or at least be able to be open to the idea.
So she came, and we had a good time. And I didn't spend any time at all worrying about it. And I think we may actually become (at least some version of) friends. Lucky me :)
I mean, it's easy to make acquaintances, easy to make little connections here and there, but the idea of making an actual girlfriend, especially at this point in my life...I don't know. I think it's tough. In the past I've been able to make new friends through work. And a lot of those friendships have stuck, withstanding marriages and children and all. But it's been years since I made a new, actual hangout girlfriend, at work or otherwise.
Today's New Activity: ...In With the New (Friends)
Today I asked one of my coworkers if she wanted to join me in celebrating two of my friends' birthdays. What was different for me about this was that I not only reached out to spend time outside of work with a woman whom I could easily see becoming a bona fide girlfriend, but that I brought her into a realm where former co-workers and long-established friends were. A former version of me would have never done this.
I know other people don't struggle with this at all. They mix up all their friends and don't give even a second's thought to how certain of their friends reflect on who they are or how they'll be perceived (or re-perceived) by the other friend(s). But I've finally realized and accepted that I alone am responsible for how others perceive me. My friends are my friends because they are good people whom I've come to know and accept and appreciate. And that's it. Personality differences and variations in humor or interests or demeanor or appearance are irrelevant. Anybody I'd want to be friends with would know this much or at least be able to be open to the idea.
So she came, and we had a good time. And I didn't spend any time at all worrying about it. And I think we may actually become (at least some version of) friends. Lucky me :)
11.03.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #327 "No Turning Back..."
I've written a few times during this project about how adopting an absolute honesty policy has positively affected my friendship and familial relationships this past year. But I think I underestimated the power it would have to change the course of all my friendships going forward.
Today's New Activity: Setting the Stage: Friendship
I was talking to my Mom tonight about how I can't believe how much of my behavior in the past was influenced by the fact that I wanted people to like me. Of course, I still want people to like me and I am, by nature, a reasonably decent human being and a supportive friend who manages to be liked. But my former desire to be liked really kept me from expressing my true feelings a lot of the time. One of the biggest lessons I've finally absorbed over the past year has been in recognizing how much better it is to be liked for who you really and truly are, rather than what you've managed to portray.
My Mom always reminds me of the phrase my grandma used to say, which is a quote from Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." It is absolutely true.
Today I was 100% honest with a new friend of mine even as I realized that in doing so I risked the friendship itself. I realized that if I didn't speak up in the moment I had to discuss the matter-at-hand, I was going to feel the pain of inauthenticity, which is a feeling I can hardly bear even momentarily these days. I felt that if I let even this single moment pass, the version of me my friend would be coming to know would be a slightly inaccurate one. Not the best way to start out...
I've learned that it no longer matters to me whether or not somebody I just met likes me. What matters more is that he or she knows me, and if--in knowing me--he or she then decides to like me....well that's just icing on the cake.
Today's New Activity: Setting the Stage: Friendship
I was talking to my Mom tonight about how I can't believe how much of my behavior in the past was influenced by the fact that I wanted people to like me. Of course, I still want people to like me and I am, by nature, a reasonably decent human being and a supportive friend who manages to be liked. But my former desire to be liked really kept me from expressing my true feelings a lot of the time. One of the biggest lessons I've finally absorbed over the past year has been in recognizing how much better it is to be liked for who you really and truly are, rather than what you've managed to portray.
My Mom always reminds me of the phrase my grandma used to say, which is a quote from Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." It is absolutely true.
Today I was 100% honest with a new friend of mine even as I realized that in doing so I risked the friendship itself. I realized that if I didn't speak up in the moment I had to discuss the matter-at-hand, I was going to feel the pain of inauthenticity, which is a feeling I can hardly bear even momentarily these days. I felt that if I let even this single moment pass, the version of me my friend would be coming to know would be a slightly inaccurate one. Not the best way to start out...
I've learned that it no longer matters to me whether or not somebody I just met likes me. What matters more is that he or she knows me, and if--in knowing me--he or she then decides to like me....well that's just icing on the cake.
9.19.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #283 "Desperation Dinner"
Having found a good table at a crowded Starbucks and already having undone everything I'd brought along, I was loathe to pick up and leave when I decided I should have some dinner.
I'd long eyed the sandwiches and bistro boxes sold there but had never been in quite the state of unavailable alternates it would seem making that choice would require. Until tonight that is.
Today's New Activity: Dinner at Starbucks
Super dull, I know.
I chose this one just because it was the only vegetarian option
It was okay. I never like lettuce that's been separated from its head for a while already and packed up into a sandwich. The texture is always a little too floppy for me. Eww, it grosses me out just thinking about it. But it did just fine for a quickie dinner.
The real takeaway from the night came when I looked up from my computer and realized the reason for the unnatural quiet in such a large coffee shop. Each table was populated by a single person on his or her own laptop. At the only table where two people were seated, one was playing with her phone and one was studying. I got kind of sad, thinking that other cultures would look at this and think we were an incredibly lonely and isolated people.
I do not subscribe, necessarily, to the fear that social networking and cell phones and all that have rendered us less social human beings and further disconnected, but I do think it's the case sometimes. I used to meet friends at coffee shops. Now I chat with friends online from coffee shops. Part of this has to do with my relative distance from my friends since moving to the East Bay, but in the old days I would have made new friends in my own area and spent time with them.
Therein lies a resolution within my new-thing-a-day resolution: for every time I visit a coffee shop alone (and actually hang out there), I will match it by meeting a friend for coffee. I miss in person coffee visits! Nicole and I already have a date set for later this week :)
I'd long eyed the sandwiches and bistro boxes sold there but had never been in quite the state of unavailable alternates it would seem making that choice would require. Until tonight that is.
Today's New Activity: Dinner at Starbucks
Super dull, I know.
I chose this one just because it was the only vegetarian option
It was okay. I never like lettuce that's been separated from its head for a while already and packed up into a sandwich. The texture is always a little too floppy for me. Eww, it grosses me out just thinking about it. But it did just fine for a quickie dinner.
The real takeaway from the night came when I looked up from my computer and realized the reason for the unnatural quiet in such a large coffee shop. Each table was populated by a single person on his or her own laptop. At the only table where two people were seated, one was playing with her phone and one was studying. I got kind of sad, thinking that other cultures would look at this and think we were an incredibly lonely and isolated people.
I do not subscribe, necessarily, to the fear that social networking and cell phones and all that have rendered us less social human beings and further disconnected, but I do think it's the case sometimes. I used to meet friends at coffee shops. Now I chat with friends online from coffee shops. Part of this has to do with my relative distance from my friends since moving to the East Bay, but in the old days I would have made new friends in my own area and spent time with them.
Therein lies a resolution within my new-thing-a-day resolution: for every time I visit a coffee shop alone (and actually hang out there), I will match it by meeting a friend for coffee. I miss in person coffee visits! Nicole and I already have a date set for later this week :)
8.06.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #238 "Basking/Breakfasting in the Aftermath"
I never imagined a person could sleep so soundly and profoundly on a thin pad in a tent in a grassless clearing. I guess that's what 8 hours of sun and rowing will do to/for you. Last night I gave in to the best kind of satisfied exhaustion and woke up in a state of quiet joy.
Our last stop on the way out of town was
Today's New Activity: Breakfast at The Coloma Club
Yes, this is the same Coloma Club we were at last night, but this morning we visited the cafe part, which was closed last night. The breakfast was standard diner fare--nothing innovative (unless you count the Cowboy Potatoes, which were homefries with onions, bell pepper, and cheese mixed in--yummmmmy!), but a lot of it. Too much. I think we were ALL defeated by our servings and forced to leave some behind.
But although the food at The Coloma Club was not remarkable, the feeling I had there was. I looked around as I sipped my coffee--at the great company with whom I'd shared yesterday's wonderful experience--and I felt a deep sense of fulfillment and contentment. The thing is, somewhere inside me I'd always retained the knowledge that life was made to be lived fully and joyfully. I'd just lost sight of that somewhere along the way.
And I'm happy to have it back.
In the afternoon I stopped in at the housewarming of my friends Lynh and Maribel. They are a wonderful couple full of good will, and I was grateful to be able to help celebrate such a big life event (especially in this area, where you REALLY need to have your ducks in a row in order to buy a house) with them.
Today was all about being happy with the company of friends, and happy for the successes they'd achieved. Congratulations to everybody, for all that you've done and all that you simply are. I'm honored to have you all in my life.
8.02.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #234 "The Cafe Formerly Known as..."
For months I have been trying to get to
Today's New Activity: Open Mic at Cafe Trieste, er, Cafe Something Else Now
A few months back, my newly discovered friends at Outpost SJ broke it down for me on the local open mics. We collectively decided the vibe at Barefoot Coffee was less-than-friendly, and they told me that Philz had a cool but also perhaps cliquish feel to it. The perfect open mic, it seemed, took place at Cafe Trieste, which changed names just this week and I can't remember the new name of it. And you know, they were right about that.
Fittingly, I met my friend Kelsi there. I say fittingly because she used to be my bosom buddy at Cafecito, the golden standard of open mics, where there was enough love to spoil all the orphans of the world and then some. I hyperbolize, of course. But yes. There was much love.
Cafe Trieste (formerly) had a similar feel to it. There were a number of great musicians, and a SUPER talented beat boxer, and a couple of women with very nice voices. And there was love there as well. The listeners and performers were friendly and open, and I didn't get the sense that anybody there felt too cool for school. Good thing, too, because I'm old now. I can't stomach that sort of thing.
I didn't hear much in the way of spoken word (just the brief sharing of one journal entry from one woman), so I don't know if this would be a good place for me to share any writing, but maybe the variety would be welcomed. We'll see.
The best thing was having the chance to connect with Kelsi after a month without seeing her. We did a much-needed clearing of the air and came out better friends--yet-again--as a result.
I have to say that is one wonderful thing about old, enduring friendship. I know I will always be friends with Kelsi. So accordingly, I know we can weather any storm (or, in this case, minor drizzle) and come out stronger on the other end. And I know she will always be exactly who she is--the person I long ago met, understood, and accepted. It's good to really know somebody and know they really and truly know you back. Front and back. All around.
And I'm fully aware that it is my job alone to cajole her into singing again in front of the good folks at Cafe Trieste. As her consummate fan and forever groupie, I miss her voice and the power she had as a performer--the power to truly grab an audience and hold them tightly in her grasp. Just tell me when, Kels. I'll be there in the front row...
Today's New Activity: Open Mic at Cafe Trieste, er, Cafe Something Else Now
A few months back, my newly discovered friends at Outpost SJ broke it down for me on the local open mics. We collectively decided the vibe at Barefoot Coffee was less-than-friendly, and they told me that Philz had a cool but also perhaps cliquish feel to it. The perfect open mic, it seemed, took place at Cafe Trieste, which changed names just this week and I can't remember the new name of it. And you know, they were right about that.
Fittingly, I met my friend Kelsi there. I say fittingly because she used to be my bosom buddy at Cafecito, the golden standard of open mics, where there was enough love to spoil all the orphans of the world and then some. I hyperbolize, of course. But yes. There was much love.
Cafe Trieste (formerly) had a similar feel to it. There were a number of great musicians, and a SUPER talented beat boxer, and a couple of women with very nice voices. And there was love there as well. The listeners and performers were friendly and open, and I didn't get the sense that anybody there felt too cool for school. Good thing, too, because I'm old now. I can't stomach that sort of thing.
I didn't hear much in the way of spoken word (just the brief sharing of one journal entry from one woman), so I don't know if this would be a good place for me to share any writing, but maybe the variety would be welcomed. We'll see.
The best thing was having the chance to connect with Kelsi after a month without seeing her. We did a much-needed clearing of the air and came out better friends--yet-again--as a result.
I have to say that is one wonderful thing about old, enduring friendship. I know I will always be friends with Kelsi. So accordingly, I know we can weather any storm (or, in this case, minor drizzle) and come out stronger on the other end. And I know she will always be exactly who she is--the person I long ago met, understood, and accepted. It's good to really know somebody and know they really and truly know you back. Front and back. All around.
And I'm fully aware that it is my job alone to cajole her into singing again in front of the good folks at Cafe Trieste. As her consummate fan and forever groupie, I miss her voice and the power she had as a performer--the power to truly grab an audience and hold them tightly in her grasp. Just tell me when, Kels. I'll be there in the front row...
7.29.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #230 "On Properly Celebrating [a] Life"
I mentioned last week that a former coworker of mine died suddenly at the tender age of 38. William was a kind, low-key person with infinite patience (10 years' worth) for every manner of obnoxious customer one can imagine and without a bad word to speak of anybody. It sent a ripple of shock through the group of friends who knew him to learn of the untimely loss. And I know many of us were sorry to have missed his funeral and wake, which happened in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. We knew some kind of gathering was necessary...for us all to have the chance to get together and remember William--to celebrate his life.
An informal gathering was suggested by my friend Alejandra just the day after his death, and it was pleasantly surprising to see so many people make it out on a Monday night with just a few hours' notice. We met at TGIF's that night, since that was where so many of our gatherings had taken place, back when Barnes & Noble was still a fun place to work, full of youthful, friendly people who shared a mutual respect and care for one another.
Today's New Activity: Remembering William, Barnes & Noble Style
We planned for a second gathering to take place tonight, since Friday seemed like a more easily accessible day on which to get together. And a fitting remembrance it was. Colleen and Will, who met a Barnes & Noble years ago and married a few months back, hosted the gathering at the home where Colleen used to host many a party, back in the day. Will put together a beautiful slideshow of pictures, and people who hadn't gotten together in years were there to pay tribute.
One thing interesting to me was that I didn't hear a lot of talk about William tonight. See, here's the thing: William himself didn't talk much. He was always there, sometimes among the last to leave a get together, but he was very quiet in nature. Tonight's felt like so many other gatherings at which William was present--even in life he was there more in spirit than in any sort of calling-attention-to-himself way. I find that beautiful. And I find it beautiful that--although he was so reserved in life--his loss was felt so deeply and by so many people.
I think about mortality with some frequency. Perhaps more than average, perhaps not. But it's been on my mind a lot lately, beginning about 6 weeks ago. Nothing in particular set me thinking in that way. It was just part of a cycle of thinking I return to in waves.
I discussed it most recently with Nicole following my attendance at the Pride Parade in San Francisco a few weeks ago. I was telling her how brave I thought it was for people to live an out-of-the-closet homosexual life. Despite the lifting of much of the stigma in recent decades, I know there is still plenty of misunderstanding if not downright judgment and hatred toward homosexuals, and I think it takes an amazing strength of spirit for somebody to come out, particularly to their closest friends and family. Nicole said that she believes people who live in this way have the right thinking about what life is meant to be. She related it to lucid dreaming--of being able to know you're in a dream and steer the events as you like--to do what you like without fear or reservation. She related the event of one's death to the waking from such a lucid dream. The idea was that, for all we know, this lifetime is all we have, and when it's over, our part in the experience of living has been played. And so many of us play out that part according to the rules and script set forth by others, never taking the chance to orchestrate our own moves in this lucid dream of life. Nicole really got me thinking with that.
Of course, she was not talking about living a debauched life of moral depravity and disregard for laws or for the feelings of others. It was just about living fully out loud as the person who is bursting from within you, without worrying about the judgments of others or even the vast majority of social norms. I love that idea. I love love love that idea.
William's death, at such a young age and following just a year and a half after the death of his own sister, was just another reminder to me that we could suddenly and unexpectedly wake from this dream at any moment...or not. There is really NO TIME AT ALL to waste, or to spend steeped in doubt, unhappiness, stress, or despair. It's the best of The Shawshank Redemption: Time to get busy living or get busy dying. And since we are all headed toward death anyway, every single day, there really is only one viable option among those two choices. Living it is, then.
Among those in this group pictured below are some of my favorite people in the whole world, and for a long time running now. I am so sorry it took the passing of one of them to get us all together again. And how wonderful it was to be together again...all grown up, the partying and smoking days out of our systems, the benefit of a few years of wisdom and experience in our corners. And with a freshly renewed appreciation for was a blessing it is to be alive. Fully alive.
William, I hope to encounter you again, someday, somewhere. And I hope someone is there with us to tell the sheep joke for old time's sake :)
An informal gathering was suggested by my friend Alejandra just the day after his death, and it was pleasantly surprising to see so many people make it out on a Monday night with just a few hours' notice. We met at TGIF's that night, since that was where so many of our gatherings had taken place, back when Barnes & Noble was still a fun place to work, full of youthful, friendly people who shared a mutual respect and care for one another.
Today's New Activity: Remembering William, Barnes & Noble Style
We planned for a second gathering to take place tonight, since Friday seemed like a more easily accessible day on which to get together. And a fitting remembrance it was. Colleen and Will, who met a Barnes & Noble years ago and married a few months back, hosted the gathering at the home where Colleen used to host many a party, back in the day. Will put together a beautiful slideshow of pictures, and people who hadn't gotten together in years were there to pay tribute.
One thing interesting to me was that I didn't hear a lot of talk about William tonight. See, here's the thing: William himself didn't talk much. He was always there, sometimes among the last to leave a get together, but he was very quiet in nature. Tonight's felt like so many other gatherings at which William was present--even in life he was there more in spirit than in any sort of calling-attention-to-himself way. I find that beautiful. And I find it beautiful that--although he was so reserved in life--his loss was felt so deeply and by so many people.
I think about mortality with some frequency. Perhaps more than average, perhaps not. But it's been on my mind a lot lately, beginning about 6 weeks ago. Nothing in particular set me thinking in that way. It was just part of a cycle of thinking I return to in waves.
I discussed it most recently with Nicole following my attendance at the Pride Parade in San Francisco a few weeks ago. I was telling her how brave I thought it was for people to live an out-of-the-closet homosexual life. Despite the lifting of much of the stigma in recent decades, I know there is still plenty of misunderstanding if not downright judgment and hatred toward homosexuals, and I think it takes an amazing strength of spirit for somebody to come out, particularly to their closest friends and family. Nicole said that she believes people who live in this way have the right thinking about what life is meant to be. She related it to lucid dreaming--of being able to know you're in a dream and steer the events as you like--to do what you like without fear or reservation. She related the event of one's death to the waking from such a lucid dream. The idea was that, for all we know, this lifetime is all we have, and when it's over, our part in the experience of living has been played. And so many of us play out that part according to the rules and script set forth by others, never taking the chance to orchestrate our own moves in this lucid dream of life. Nicole really got me thinking with that.
Of course, she was not talking about living a debauched life of moral depravity and disregard for laws or for the feelings of others. It was just about living fully out loud as the person who is bursting from within you, without worrying about the judgments of others or even the vast majority of social norms. I love that idea. I love love love that idea.
William's death, at such a young age and following just a year and a half after the death of his own sister, was just another reminder to me that we could suddenly and unexpectedly wake from this dream at any moment...or not. There is really NO TIME AT ALL to waste, or to spend steeped in doubt, unhappiness, stress, or despair. It's the best of The Shawshank Redemption: Time to get busy living or get busy dying. And since we are all headed toward death anyway, every single day, there really is only one viable option among those two choices. Living it is, then.
Among those in this group pictured below are some of my favorite people in the whole world, and for a long time running now. I am so sorry it took the passing of one of them to get us all together again. And how wonderful it was to be together again...all grown up, the partying and smoking days out of our systems, the benefit of a few years of wisdom and experience in our corners. And with a freshly renewed appreciation for was a blessing it is to be alive. Fully alive.
William, I hope to encounter you again, someday, somewhere. And I hope someone is there with us to tell the sheep joke for old time's sake :)
7.25.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #226 "Poets Revisited"
For a long time I hardly thought of Arizona. If I remembered it at all, my memories were mostly weather related. Just the feeling of being uncomfortable--either too hot outside or too cold in the air-conditioned insides of every last place you could go. Thoughts of middle school or high school inevitably brought Phoenix to mind, but I wouldn't say I had any special feelings about the place itself...just the people I knew there.
That's changed in recent years, as I've come to appreciate the beauty of the desert and the joy of having an *anyplace* that held special memories. I've felt a draw to the state in general and Phoenix specifically more and more often of late. I finally came to see that the desert holds its own unique kind of magic and beauty, and I am grateful to every chance I have to immerse myself in it. On our road trip, I even told Nicole that I would like to do a multi-day hike/camping trip in the desert, to which she replied "have fun with that." Eh, maybe not such a good idea, but it sounded romantic at the time.
Anyway, as much as I'd revisited the state in person (which was infrequently) and in my mind's eye (which was often) I'd yet to pay visits to those friends who'd made my time in high school so memorable in the first place. Renee has moved away to Colorado, so I'd have to go there to see her anyway, or time a trip for when she was in AZ visiting her own family. And since Nicole and Kelsi live in CA now too, that pretty much left Karla and Francisco as my dearest friends/former gooftroop partners in upstanding citizenry. Nicole and I decided to make sure a visit with them happened during my brief stay in Phoenix.
Today's New Activity: Ten Year High School Reunion, Five Years Late
Tonight Nika and I met with Francisco, Karla and families at the Tempe Marketplace, where our kiddies could all jump around in an outdoor water thingy and we could try our best to catch up while keeping lookout for territorial clashes, soaking wet diapers (as I realized Monkey'd outgrown the swim diapers I brought for him!), and all other manner of toddler disturbance.
How can I put this most plainly?
I came to realize, in that brief 3 hours or so we spent together, that the friends you make in high school are really some of the strongest and best friendships to be found (if you choose well that is, and thankfully all of us were drawn to each other, if only just because there was no other quite-right-fit for our particular brand of silly, innocent, aberrant interests and senses of humor). I couldn't believe how easy it was to fall into conversation as if no time had passed, even though I hadn't seen either Karla or Francisco in close to 15 years.
How on earth did all that time slip slide through our fingers so fast?
And speaking of innocence, I feel like that childlike wonder and intrigue that was a feature of all of our highschool years (even the more rebellious among us...ahem, Kelsi) has remained enough in all of us to keep us young at heart. I swear my friends age better than anybody I know. Though there's a responsible adult and parent in every one of them, and a maturity to their faces that wasn't there before, there is not a jaded, tore up bone in their bodies. And still paramount to all them: laughter and creativity. How can you age with these as your main pasatiempos?
I was very sad that my stay in Phoenix was so short and that I couldn't spend more time catching up with those beautiful people. We have pledged to not let another 15 years pass before we can all get together, and also to make sure Renee is in town the next time around.
Any chance we can start planning that now?
Nicole, Karla and Francisco: I will always love and cherish all of you for bringing so much joy to my life and keeping me on a good, happy path in our youths. I hope all of your lives will be continually blessed and beautiful. And this message is for Kelsi and Renee as well, forever and always.
One more thing: Panocha!!
That's changed in recent years, as I've come to appreciate the beauty of the desert and the joy of having an *anyplace* that held special memories. I've felt a draw to the state in general and Phoenix specifically more and more often of late. I finally came to see that the desert holds its own unique kind of magic and beauty, and I am grateful to every chance I have to immerse myself in it. On our road trip, I even told Nicole that I would like to do a multi-day hike/camping trip in the desert, to which she replied "have fun with that." Eh, maybe not such a good idea, but it sounded romantic at the time.
Anyway, as much as I'd revisited the state in person (which was infrequently) and in my mind's eye (which was often) I'd yet to pay visits to those friends who'd made my time in high school so memorable in the first place. Renee has moved away to Colorado, so I'd have to go there to see her anyway, or time a trip for when she was in AZ visiting her own family. And since Nicole and Kelsi live in CA now too, that pretty much left Karla and Francisco as my dearest friends/former gooftroop partners in upstanding citizenry. Nicole and I decided to make sure a visit with them happened during my brief stay in Phoenix.
Today's New Activity: Ten Year High School Reunion, Five Years Late
Tonight Nika and I met with Francisco, Karla and families at the Tempe Marketplace, where our kiddies could all jump around in an outdoor water thingy and we could try our best to catch up while keeping lookout for territorial clashes, soaking wet diapers (as I realized Monkey'd outgrown the swim diapers I brought for him!), and all other manner of toddler disturbance.
How can I put this most plainly?
I came to realize, in that brief 3 hours or so we spent together, that the friends you make in high school are really some of the strongest and best friendships to be found (if you choose well that is, and thankfully all of us were drawn to each other, if only just because there was no other quite-right-fit for our particular brand of silly, innocent, aberrant interests and senses of humor). I couldn't believe how easy it was to fall into conversation as if no time had passed, even though I hadn't seen either Karla or Francisco in close to 15 years.
How on earth did all that time slip slide through our fingers so fast?
And speaking of innocence, I feel like that childlike wonder and intrigue that was a feature of all of our highschool years (even the more rebellious among us...ahem, Kelsi) has remained enough in all of us to keep us young at heart. I swear my friends age better than anybody I know. Though there's a responsible adult and parent in every one of them, and a maturity to their faces that wasn't there before, there is not a jaded, tore up bone in their bodies. And still paramount to all them: laughter and creativity. How can you age with these as your main pasatiempos?
I was very sad that my stay in Phoenix was so short and that I couldn't spend more time catching up with those beautiful people. We have pledged to not let another 15 years pass before we can all get together, and also to make sure Renee is in town the next time around.
Any chance we can start planning that now?
Nicole, Karla and Francisco: I will always love and cherish all of you for bringing so much joy to my life and keeping me on a good, happy path in our youths. I hope all of your lives will be continually blessed and beautiful. And this message is for Kelsi and Renee as well, forever and always.
One more thing: Panocha!!
6.17.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #188 "Vested Interest"
I was spoiled by the experience of working for Barnes & Noble. I've mentioned before that I made a lot of friends there who are still a big part of my life. It was amazing to me that a store that at times employed 55-70 people could make the machine run with so little drama or gossip. I've worked at 9-employee outfits where managing the personnel was a bigger issue. My friend Nessa, who is the longest-running BN employee I'm friends with and I have 62 friends in common, according to Facebook. Now, this does include siblings and good friends of employees who were brought into the folds, but that makes it all that much better. It really was--and in certain ways continues to be--one big, happy family.
It stands to reason that employment opportunities like that don't come along all the time. And I certainly wouldn't advise working any kind of retail long term if you're looking to become wealthy or like the idea of having your weekends free. The perks associated with working at the bookstore were more intrinsic than tangible, but there was a lot to be said for them.
First of all, people who work in bookstores like to read. Duh. The thing is, after so long working in the bookstore, it's easy to begin assuming that most people like to read. But 5 minutes working elsewhere are enough to disabuse a former-employee of that notion.
Secondly, working at a place with so many employees (especially employees who are generally curious and informed) ensures a lot of interesting conversation. And since there is such a wide variety of interests, which often get shared and adopted by others, the whole crew is somewhat well-rounded. I know I sound like I'm waxing a bit nostalgic (and for certain I am), but I can honestly say that the difference between working at Barnes & Noble and working anywhere else I've worked has been stark. I miss those days well and truly.
Since joining my new company, I haven't made any new friends. In the beginning, I wasn't even interested in making new friends. I was very sad about going back to work after having Monkey in the first place, and I was also stress-out about what was going on at home at the time. I didn't even think about socializing with my co-workers, but I suspect that even if I had, I wouldn't have found much opportunity. I'd yet to connect on any substantial level with any of my fellow employees save one, who was also going through a difficult marital situation. But even that was a pretty surface-level connection. I simply hadn't found anybody at work with similar interests or overlapping senses of humor. Apparently the common denominator among people who work at banks--if any--is merely the necessity of having need and found a job.
When I transferred to my new branch (going on 3 months ago now) I breathed half a sigh of relief. My managers were much more approachable and relaxed than any of those at my former branch, and the whole vibe in the branch was more friendly and customer service-oriented. Already things were looking better. We laugh a lot throughout the day, and I didn't find the level kind of stress and looking-over-of-shoulders that was so prevalent before.
Still, I'd yet to make a significant connection or have much of a desire to hang out with any coworkers outside of work.
Today's New Activity: One Step Closer to Friendship at Work
Two days ago we found out my Assistant Manager had been transferred to another branch, effective next week. So we quick threw together a goodbye dinner for tonight to take place at BJ's right after work. It was nice to see that everyone cared enough to show up, even the banker who was off for the day. We had a nice time and sent my manager off fondly and with appreciation.
And the extra nice part was that the hangout extended beyond dinner. It was just a beer and about 1 1/2 of talking, but it was a refreshing break from the corporate banking environment that typically casts its looming shadow over any interesting conversation that could be happening at work. It was nice to laugh freely without worrying about stopping when the next customer appeared. And it was also nice to be able to finally know a little something more about my coworkers' (real) lives.
Or maybe, it was just nice to be emotionally ready to care.
It's difficult to work day-by-day alongside people in whom you have invested very little time or emotional energy. It's taxing to make small talk and keep up a work-appropriate front. And though I know all that will continue during working hours, I liked getting a peek into my coworkers' interests and even just to know how they dress when they're not in the standard-issue work duds.
And while I don't think it's likely I'll make the kinds of friends at my current job that I made at the bookstore, I could definitely get used to tonight's new level of familiarity.
It stands to reason that employment opportunities like that don't come along all the time. And I certainly wouldn't advise working any kind of retail long term if you're looking to become wealthy or like the idea of having your weekends free. The perks associated with working at the bookstore were more intrinsic than tangible, but there was a lot to be said for them.
First of all, people who work in bookstores like to read. Duh. The thing is, after so long working in the bookstore, it's easy to begin assuming that most people like to read. But 5 minutes working elsewhere are enough to disabuse a former-employee of that notion.
Secondly, working at a place with so many employees (especially employees who are generally curious and informed) ensures a lot of interesting conversation. And since there is such a wide variety of interests, which often get shared and adopted by others, the whole crew is somewhat well-rounded. I know I sound like I'm waxing a bit nostalgic (and for certain I am), but I can honestly say that the difference between working at Barnes & Noble and working anywhere else I've worked has been stark. I miss those days well and truly.
Since joining my new company, I haven't made any new friends. In the beginning, I wasn't even interested in making new friends. I was very sad about going back to work after having Monkey in the first place, and I was also stress-out about what was going on at home at the time. I didn't even think about socializing with my co-workers, but I suspect that even if I had, I wouldn't have found much opportunity. I'd yet to connect on any substantial level with any of my fellow employees save one, who was also going through a difficult marital situation. But even that was a pretty surface-level connection. I simply hadn't found anybody at work with similar interests or overlapping senses of humor. Apparently the common denominator among people who work at banks--if any--is merely the necessity of having need and found a job.
When I transferred to my new branch (going on 3 months ago now) I breathed half a sigh of relief. My managers were much more approachable and relaxed than any of those at my former branch, and the whole vibe in the branch was more friendly and customer service-oriented. Already things were looking better. We laugh a lot throughout the day, and I didn't find the level kind of stress and looking-over-of-shoulders that was so prevalent before.
Still, I'd yet to make a significant connection or have much of a desire to hang out with any coworkers outside of work.
Today's New Activity: One Step Closer to Friendship at Work
Two days ago we found out my Assistant Manager had been transferred to another branch, effective next week. So we quick threw together a goodbye dinner for tonight to take place at BJ's right after work. It was nice to see that everyone cared enough to show up, even the banker who was off for the day. We had a nice time and sent my manager off fondly and with appreciation.
And the extra nice part was that the hangout extended beyond dinner. It was just a beer and about 1 1/2 of talking, but it was a refreshing break from the corporate banking environment that typically casts its looming shadow over any interesting conversation that could be happening at work. It was nice to laugh freely without worrying about stopping when the next customer appeared. And it was also nice to be able to finally know a little something more about my coworkers' (real) lives.
Or maybe, it was just nice to be emotionally ready to care.
It's difficult to work day-by-day alongside people in whom you have invested very little time or emotional energy. It's taxing to make small talk and keep up a work-appropriate front. And though I know all that will continue during working hours, I liked getting a peek into my coworkers' interests and even just to know how they dress when they're not in the standard-issue work duds.
And while I don't think it's likely I'll make the kinds of friends at my current job that I made at the bookstore, I could definitely get used to tonight's new level of familiarity.
6.04.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #175 "On Communication"
Ok. Ok. Okay okay okay. I will preface this by saying that I know how TOTALLY lame it is that this sort of thing is new to me.
Some people learned this lesson the first time a toy was taken from them by a peer. Others maybe some time back in middle school. Still others in the course of their first, or third, or fifth relationship perhaps (?)
And then there's me.
Today's New Activity: Fester Not
Today I was bothered by something my friend did. A short while later, I communicated my feelings to my friend. My friend responded appropriately. The end.
You feel like you missed something, right? Something in the middle I may have left out?
You didn't. That was it. That was the whole story.
Oh, maybe I can clarify by expounding upon what didn't happen. I didn't ruminate on all the reasons my friend might have done the bothersome thing. I didn't let it grow into something ugly or unpleasant in my mind. I didn't seek outside input on the possible meanings/motivations behind the act. I didn't spend two and a half weeks sitting on it and wondering how to bring it up, only to let it get to me off and on and ultimately fizzle out.
How can this be news?
When I set out on this project, I knew I'd learn things. I even knew I'd learn a lot of things that didn't have to do with the immediate activity of the day. I knew that divorce alone would teach me certain lessons about the experience called life, some welcomed, some having beaten down the door. But I guess I didn't anticipate that my mere presence at and openness to the idea of new--be it activity or outlook--would have the power to overwrite some deeply entrenched (bad) habits/character traits.
I'm the kind of person (don't you just love those statements? So sweeping and fatalistic) who immediately assumes everything is my fault. If somebody is mad ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD I can figure out a way for it to be my fault. And yes, I realize how not only misguided but completely self-centered this outlook is. Was.
Was.
From now on I'm going to assume that NOTHING is my fault, ever! Kiiiddding. But I have finally absorbed the truth that it is up to people to share their feelings, positive or negative, directly with the party involved. It is not up to anybody else to guess at, sidestep, coax out of or read through the lines of another's genuine feelings or emotional tantrums. And what better way to demonstrate this new knowledge by living it myself?
In case you've similarly had your head in the sand, here's how it *can* happen:
"Hey, I felt sad when you _________."
"Oh, my bad."
"Wanna let's get some pizza?"
Who knew life could be so simple.
And of course it won't always be. Friendships and relationships worth having are worth putting more work into. But sometimes, when you nip something in the proverbial bud and are freed up to just go back to enjoying things as they were, you wonder how/why it is you could have ever let it get more complicated.
And this is starting to feel a little more Doogie Howser than I'm comfortable with, so I'll turn off the odd, synthesized journal-time music and leave it at that.
On that note, here's a lil flashback for you...
Some people learned this lesson the first time a toy was taken from them by a peer. Others maybe some time back in middle school. Still others in the course of their first, or third, or fifth relationship perhaps (?)
And then there's me.
Today's New Activity: Fester Not
Today I was bothered by something my friend did. A short while later, I communicated my feelings to my friend. My friend responded appropriately. The end.
You feel like you missed something, right? Something in the middle I may have left out?
You didn't. That was it. That was the whole story.
Oh, maybe I can clarify by expounding upon what didn't happen. I didn't ruminate on all the reasons my friend might have done the bothersome thing. I didn't let it grow into something ugly or unpleasant in my mind. I didn't seek outside input on the possible meanings/motivations behind the act. I didn't spend two and a half weeks sitting on it and wondering how to bring it up, only to let it get to me off and on and ultimately fizzle out.
How can this be news?
When I set out on this project, I knew I'd learn things. I even knew I'd learn a lot of things that didn't have to do with the immediate activity of the day. I knew that divorce alone would teach me certain lessons about the experience called life, some welcomed, some having beaten down the door. But I guess I didn't anticipate that my mere presence at and openness to the idea of new--be it activity or outlook--would have the power to overwrite some deeply entrenched (bad) habits/character traits.
I'm the kind of person (don't you just love those statements? So sweeping and fatalistic) who immediately assumes everything is my fault. If somebody is mad ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD I can figure out a way for it to be my fault. And yes, I realize how not only misguided but completely self-centered this outlook is. Was.
Was.
From now on I'm going to assume that NOTHING is my fault, ever! Kiiiddding. But I have finally absorbed the truth that it is up to people to share their feelings, positive or negative, directly with the party involved. It is not up to anybody else to guess at, sidestep, coax out of or read through the lines of another's genuine feelings or emotional tantrums. And what better way to demonstrate this new knowledge by living it myself?
In case you've similarly had your head in the sand, here's how it *can* happen:
"Hey, I felt sad when you _________."
"Oh, my bad."
"Wanna let's get some pizza?"
Who knew life could be so simple.
And of course it won't always be. Friendships and relationships worth having are worth putting more work into. But sometimes, when you nip something in the proverbial bud and are freed up to just go back to enjoying things as they were, you wonder how/why it is you could have ever let it get more complicated.
And this is starting to feel a little more Doogie Howser than I'm comfortable with, so I'll turn off the odd, synthesized journal-time music and leave it at that.
On that note, here's a lil flashback for you...
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