New Beds Don't *Usually* Make Me Cry

I very rarely write about motherhood.  Here’s why:  I think about parenting and related issues—on some level—all day long.  They’re in the back or the front of my mind (or just right there climbing up my leg) at nearly every moment of every day.  The time I take to think and write about other subjects can be a welcome respite.

And even if that weren’t the case, there are thousands of entire blogs dedicated to the subject of motherhood.  There are straight forward, this-is-the-daily-life-of-a-Mom blogs.  There are I’m-the-mf’n-BEST-Mom-check-out-the-cherry-pie-I-just-whipped-up-in-20-minutes-while-my-4-year-old-was-reciting-verses-from-The Illiad blogs.  And there are blogs that turn the whole thing on its head, owning up to the challenges of parenthood and very deliberately making the whole business sound like the hot mess it can sometimes be.

What can I possibly add to this millions-of-years-old conversation?

And yet.  And yet.  Here I go…

This week saw a big milestone in my young son’s life.  My parents bought him a toddler bed, and while he was away last Friday, my Dad and I took apart his crib and built the bed, which uses the same mattress as the crib but takes up far less space in the room while also screaming I’M NOT A BABY ANYMORE.

That’s where my son’s milestone became my interlude of cloudy-eyed disbelief—as I stripped the sheets, took down the crib bumper, and tried to remember a time when he was so small and powerless over his faculties, I actually worried he’d conk himself into a stupor.

It wasn’t just that.  It wasn't just his former small, lying-and-doing-nothingness, replaced by the skinny, tall-for-his-age, chatterbox whom I’ve come to now know.  It was the idea that this crib and the tiny baby who first came to rest his head in it belonged to what feels like a different lifetime.

It was one in which I was married and headed down a more traditional path.  It was a lifetime I can scarcely recognize anymore, and that crib was the largest physical reminder of that lifetime existing outside of the storage facility where the rest of that lifetime now sits, motionless, waiting for me to decide whether I’ll chose to reclaim it.  In that moment—folding up, disassembling, adding to storage that physical evidence—I accepted one more layer of the life I’ve come to know.  And along with it, I tried to chew thoroughly and swallow down the idea that my baby is growing up.

I can’t say it was a *super* pretty scene.  Unless of course, you’re drawn to emotional breakdowns and the red-faced, swollen, teary eyes that can accompany them.

In which case it was beautiful.

When the new bed was assembled and the new, outer space sheets tucked onto it, I took to plastering the two nearby walls and the ceiling above with glow-in-the-dark stars and planets.

Then I busied myself for the two days until my son would come back, trying to imagine his surprise and contemplating whether he’d be down to stay put in this bed, now that he’d have options.

As I’d hoped, he was very excited about the bed and eager to sleep in it from the first night.  And so far, bedtime has yet to include any episodes of bed dwellers gone AWOL.  All of that went about as well as I could have hoped.

And then there was this little bonus bit, a realization I made as my son lie down to sleep the very first night.  For as long as he’s been able to roll over on his own, Kalil has slept on his left side, which always left him facing me.  When we put his toddler bed in, the head of it was oriented the opposite direction that the crib had been.  To my surprise, that first night and every night since, he has gone to sleep on his right side.  It was with more tears in my eyes that I realized he wasn’t partial to sleeping on his left; he was partial to sleeping facing me.  Oh my god I could cry just thinking about it now.

Before I became a parent, I would not have been able to empathize if someone had described the kind of closeness one can feel to her child.  I almost feel like, since he spent all of that time growing and developing inside my own body, part of him will always exist within me.  I’m sure fathers feel a similar closeness that could be described in a different way, but not being qualified to do so I won’t venture to describe that.

The weight of responsibility for a child's emotional and physical well-being is heavy.  That's an understatement, of course.  It can be all-encompassing.  It can be alarming!  It can stop even a fast-talker like me mid-sentence, as I suddenly wonder whether my son should hear what's already come halfway out of my mouth.  It can lead to epic tests of will, as my son tries to wriggle out of my arms and I keep insisting he look at me before I deliver whatever message seems incredibly important at the time.  If I let it, it can cause endless self-doubt, worry, and fear of judgment by other parents (Yes, I just watched  my son gobble down a cake pop in two enormous bites--and despite the fact that he didn't finish his dinner.  Crucify me!!)

As my son grows and learns to articulate his thoughts, he says a lot of interesting (to me) things.  He also repeats a lot of things he hears.  So I can’t say for sure whether or not he knows what it means when he says “I love you, Mama.”  I thought about that this morning as I was leaving for work, leaning over him in his new bed to plant a kiss on his flushed, warm little cheek.  

If he says the words "I love you" to me, it means he's hearing them.  It means his environment is a nurturing one, where expressions of affection fly freely.  And I thought that it truly doesn't matter at this point whether or not he means it or knows what it means to love me, just so long as he can feel that I love him.

And I’m pretty sure can.

Yes, he's growing faster than I can register sometimes.  Yes, his crib is already gathering dust.  Yes (of course), he will always be my baby (cue Mariah Carey) no matter what.  Thank you for sharing this moment with me, as I paused to meditate on the idea that he and I are on this journey together...

The GGA Project -- Day #365! "In a Late Fall Chill, In Stillness, In Quiet, In Peace"

I have been thinking about this day for months, wondering what I could do that would be worthy of the last day of a year-long project.


I thought I should go away somewhere.


I thought I should stay here but do something amazing.


I thought I should have an album of gorgeous pictures to show for it.


And then I had this other thought that just said, 'be still and be you, and meditate in the joy of that alone.  And also: drive.'


Last night it occurred to me, where I needed to go.  I'd written recently about a drive I took to Lick Observatory at the top of Mount Hamilton, in the middle of my pregnancy, on one of the saddest days I can remember.  I thought that, in keeping with a couple of the do-over days that were part of this project, it would be nice to take that same trip in reverse.  Last time I'd driven down the back way and through Livermore, from where I hopped on 580, 680, 280, home.  Now that I live in the East Bay, I thought I could start in Livermore and come down into San Jose, maybe visit my friend Nicole before heading home.  I thought I could just enjoy the drive and think about all the healing of the past year, all the places I'd traveled from and to--literally and figuratively, emotionally--and experience a few hours of quiet, me and Monkey on the road.


The day started out according to that plan.  I packed a picnic lunch for Kalil and myself, figuring we'd grab a bench outside the observatory when we got there and hoping we'd be warm enough to enjoy the food and the meal.  We had jackets, he had toys, we had water and juice and cookies.  We had the camera and Slacker radio to feed us Christmas music even when the radio stations were beyond our reach.


All I needed to remember was to get gas before we got out of Livermore.


And before I knew it I was out of Livermore, onto Mines, the country road that would take us farther and farther away from anything resembling a gas station.  Sure, we had enough gas to get us to the top, but I wasn't confident we had enough to get us all the way back down.  Coasting could only get us so far.  It was as I was realizing my oversight that I saw a sign reading: Del Valle Regional Park: 4 miles.


Well, if there's one thing I certainly learned in the wake of deciding to end my marriage just 7 months into my son's young life, it's that things don't always go according to plan.  Actually, what I remembered--because I can't say the whole thing was news to me--was that I was never one for planning in the first place.  Almost every event in my life that I now find worthy of a storytelling moment, in the aftermath, happened either spontaneously or was the result of a departure from the original plan.


Today's New Activity: Lakeside at Del Valle Regional Park


I certainly didn't imagine that the 365th day of this project would find me doing the hold-the-camera-out-faced-at-us pictures in front of a lake at an East Bay Regional Park (of course I didn't), and yet:

Kalil, what a sweetheart.  He "helped" me push the stroller through the parking lot

before getting bored with all that and wanting to run.

And he really was a sweetheart--fascinated with everything and so very chilled out when we sat down for lunch by the lake.

He asked about 15,000 questions about the geese, which were plentiful.

And he giggled uncontrollably when I pointed downward at the gravel beach and told him to watch out for the goose poopies.  "Goose poopies?!" he asked, shocked, with a smile of slight embarrassment in his voice.

We checked out crazy cool, exposed roots,

sat rapt as a single crane crossed our path, following the shoreline with a speed that suggested nowhere to be,

and relaxed as if we too were so free from obligation at the moment.

And you know what?  We were.

Sure, there's plenty to be done.  There always will be.  And there are bills to be paid and new projects to embark upon and always, always something to be washed and folded.

And then, here today, there are these dozens of geese, and a handful of fishermen, and a quietly lapping body of water...and us.

I didn't think I'd be emotional today.  It's not that I thought the last day of this project would find me feeling nothing, but I didn't wake up feeling mournful about the end.  There's something like relief there, though it's closely trailed by the dozens of other things I want to get started on, now that I'll have some more time.

And yet when we pulled into the park today and I caught a glimpse of the sun reflecting off the water and the mostly leafless trees and the absolute stillness of everything, I was overcome with the sense of what today means to me, of how far I've come, of the reawakening of my heart.

I felt it again when, after lunch, Kalil asked me to pick him up so we could go look at the lake close up.  He asked about the shells we found by the water's edge, about a stick jutting up from the lake's surface, and when a flock of geese flew westward overhead, he asked if they were going home to see their Mamas.  And, of course, I said yes.  And then the power of that word, of that concept struck me: Mama.

I hugged him tightly against me, so grateful for the blessing he is and so humbled by the tremendous task I have in raising him, the tremendous honor.  Tears came fast and warm and salty, and before 10 seconds could pass, Kalil was asking me more questions, about the sounds of the water and wind and an approaching motorboat.  No time for steeping emotional tea bags with a toddler around: best to just feel the moment and move on.

And for today, that was perfect.  Sometimes a person doesn't need to cry and cry and cry.  She just needs to cry.  And to look backward with gratitude.  And to look forward with greater wisdom.  And to remember that each day in any given year is a gift and a blessing to be cherished, each person who enters her life a teacher, if she's willing to learn.

The GGA Project -- Day #322 "And Speaking of Challenges..."

A couple of months ago, my friends Kenneth and Peter signed up for something called the Warrior Dash and then (as they are like to do) immediately set about trying to strong arm everyone they know into doing it too.  I was kind of an easy sell at that point, as I have been the entire year because of this project (and hope to be going forward).  I just got the text "sign up for Warrior Dash," maybe a link to the website on Facebook, did a few clicks around on the site, and was signed up within 10 minutes or so.


That was the easy part.


When I told my Dad about the event, he also went to the website, did far more reading and clicking around than I'd done, and came back saying "No way, Jose."  This surprised (and alarmed) me.  My Dad is in great physical shape and challenges himself in that area on a weekly basis.  If he was intimidated by the prospect, what on earth was I thinking?!?!


As the weeks went by, I had occasion to mention that I'd be Warrior Dashing perhaps 3 times.  And every time, a split second shock crossed the face of the person I was talking to, followed with, "really?!" or "you?!"  I don't think it should come as too much a shock, then, that I was pretty nervous heading into 


Today's New Activity: The Warrior Dash!!


When we got to the event grounds (Casa de Fruta, down in the dusties of Gilroy), I felt an immediate sense of relief.  While I didn't exactly see any super out of shape people there, it definitely wasn't an iron man only kind of thing.  And there were minors there as well...how scary could the thing be?


I'd brought Monkey with me so that I wouldn't have to spend the whole day away from him (the event was 1 1/2 drive from my house), and his Auntie Kelsi, who lives relatively close in Morgan Hill, was generous enough to come and scoop him up for a couple of hours.  It was nice to know he was nearby--playing with Mo on the train and carousel at Case de Fruta--having fun while I "competed."


The only bummer about the event is that, in an effort to space people out, each heat starts with 1.5 miles of running.  I hate running.  I absolutely HATE running.  And I suck at it.  So I didn't exactly feel like a warrior, having to walk a good part of that.  But Kenneth and Linda were there with me while Peter, Jeanette and Jon ran ahead, so it was nice to be in good company.


And then the obstacles came, which was the real fun part :)


There were 11 or 12 total I think, and here's a sampling:

This wall was probably the most terrifying to me, because I've never been great with upper body strength, and once you got started you were pretty much committed to either making your way over or having a real unpleasant fall back down, haha.  The top was the most difficult, figuring out how to get all the way over the wall once you ran out of rope.  But I made it.  Actually, in that difficult part when I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to pull myself over, I thought of Monkey, reminded myself that I have a son who looks to me as his example (not that he was there watching, but still I knew), and found that extra bit of effort within.  That was a pretty cool experience.


The last two obstacles were two little mounds of flames to jump through followed by a big trough of mud to slug through, leaving us coming out looking like this:

To help us all get home without ruining our cars, they'd set up a giant firehouse for us all to splash around in and get as clean as we could.


After a quick change of clothes I collected Monkey and sat down in the gravel with my fellow warriors while they ate giant turkey legs and I enjoyed probably the most hard fought veggie burger in the history of veggie burgers :)


It was such a great day.  I'm so happy I had the chance to join the fun and challenge myself a bit.  But I'd also like to say that I think most anybody could do this; they make it accessible enough.  So next year I'm bringing more warriors along for the fun!

The GGA Project -- Day #310 "More Picking, Clicking"

For Aunt Esther, Erin, JD and Mason's last day in town, we decided to do something NONE of us had ever done before.


Today's New Activity: Apple Picking


So a few months back we went to Gizdich Ranch with Nicole and girls to pick strawberries.  But that was strawberry season.  Now it's APPLE season :)


We returned to the same super cute spot and let the boys run amok, picking apples from the low-hanging branches, which was many of them and then munching on pie afterward.


For his birthday, my parents gave Monkey a digital camera made for kids, and he had a great time taking 160(!) pictures his very first time out.  It was so fascinating to see the world from his perspective!  And also so nice that he was using a camera made just for him, so that I no longer have to worry he'll break mine when I let him play with it (no more playing with it!).


One of 65 pictures of the ground:

The day's very popular taking-a-picture-of-the-person-who's-taking-a-picture-of-you maneuver:

Capturing his cousin's first apple pick!:

Here are some of my favorites of the photos he took:

I'm so excited to see what else he'll capture.  He absolutely loved going around clicking and being the one asking other people to say cheese for a change :)


It was a great day all around, but I was just sad to see my family leave town.  The days following a visit with family are always a bit lonely for me, but it was nice to have it while we did!

The GGA Project -- Day #305 "October Santa"

The lunch hour today found me at a swank little bistro near my work called Costco.  LOVE it.  Best cheap eats ever.


Anyway, since I had a whole hour to savor, I decided to look around a bit to see what new whatnot had been palletted in.


I'm normally in the camp of people who are super annoyed by Christmas stuff being brought out for sale alongside back-to-school or even just before Halloween comes.  But Halloween is still almost 3 weeks away and I was not at all disturbed to find Christmas lawn ornaments staring me in the face right off the bat.


I guess that's one of the differences a child can make in one's life.  I've found myself eager to not only celebrate but to decorate for every holiday.  Last week I put a string of colored ghost lights above my bed and Monkey's crib, some colored gel spider and jack-o-lantern clings on the full size mirror in our room, and a giant web (complete with spider) across our bedroom window.  I never do stuff like that.  But having a child has made me excited about watching his own sense of wonder as our living space transforms to celebrate the passing seasons.


In the house, my Mom put Halloween themed cutouts on the doors and mirrors, decorated a large black potted tree branch with all things Halloween, and made some pumpkins they'd bought with Monkey at a pumpkin patch into "mumkins" by gluing eyeballs on them and wrapping them in medical gauze.  The boy loves all of it!  :)


So anyway, not only did I not even flinch at the Christmas stuff lining the aisles at Costco, I took the opportunity to participate in


Today's New Activity: Christmas Recon


I took a picture of this thing I want to buy for my son (it's a secret) because it's large and I need to discuss it with my parents--as in I need to find out whether they can live with this thing taking up so much space wherever it would end up.  And I also couldn't pass up two of the cutest and softest pairs of footed pajamas (or jim-jammas as well call them in this house), which I already bought to stash away for a couple of months.


I love this part of being a Mama.  I love thinking about my son and the things he enjoys and imagining what would make him smile.  Sometimes he has loved a toy immediately, sometimes it grew on him eventually, and sometimes it never quite took.  But as he grows and his tastes become more apparent, it's getting easier to look at something and know that it would bring absolute joy to his face.  I live for those moments.  And I have a feeling I'll be stashing a number of little happy-makers away as December grows near.

The GGA Project -- Day #304 "Blastoff! Arriba!!"

These were the words repeated over and over again by Monkey as he climbed onto and over, dove into and jumped off of a kids' rocket toy during


Today's New Activity: Stoneridge Mall Playtime

This morning I took my son for an early morning Dr.'s appointment for his two-year checkup.  Two years! (Good call on the early appointment, btw.  We are usually forced to wait quite a while, but his was by far the quickest and most convenient visit...I highly recommend making appointments at Kaiser well in advance if only just for the chance to grab the earliest morning appointment!).  Anyway, he's doing fine with growth and development, and I was very proud of his sweetness with the Doctor (whom I LOVE...I want Kaiser forever just so we can continue to see her!) and the nurse, who is pure happiness herself.


When we left, I went to run some errands with my Mom and the boy, and we eventually ended up at a mall I've hardly been to, where we discovered a perfect-for-his-size play area.


One of the things I've discovered about Monkey's most recent development is that he is at a point where I can relax more and be less of a helicopter Mom.  His playtimes are actually somewhat relaxing for me now!  There was just one thing in this whole area I was concerned about (a set of steps that he'd stand at the top of before sliding down the slide from the landing and roar like a dragon (I only know it was a dragon because he'd announce "Dragon!  Rooooaaarrrr!").  Other than that, I was able to sit with my Ma, talk, just enjoy...

The GGA Project -- Day #296 "Sad, Pretty Animals"

 So the Monkey has been to the zoo.  A few times.  There's a great one pretty nearby in Oakland.  But for weeks the folks and I have been trying to plan a day to get further north.  Today happened kind of by accident.  We'd planned to go tomorrow, but tomorrow's rain forecast forced us into a spontaneous outing...


Today's New Activity: San Francisco Zoo!


We got a pretty late start so we didn't get there until about 1 in the afternoon (they close at 5), but that was still pretty much plenty of time to explore most of what there was to see.  For example....


Beautiful peacocks that roam the grounds


(pictures courtesy of my Dad, who just got reacquainted with his DSLR.  It was so nice to 1) see him behind a real camera again...it totally reminded me of my own trips to fun places with my parents as a kid...my Dad was always with a camera in hand and 2) relax and not worry about capturing everything myself!)

Real monkeys! (er, Chimpanzees) 

One of the most majestical things I've ever seen in real life: a female lion

And her dude.  The lions went outdoors too, but it was easier to see them from the inside of the habitat, where they roamed now and then.  Man did that place stink!!  I realized I'd never been close enough to these kinds of animals to have a clue how powerful their scent was.  My Mom made the comment that you always hear of animals picking up on each others' scents, and after today it's easy to see how.  I also realized I'd never heard a real lion roar before, and I have to say it was one of the creepiest and most haunting sounds I've ever heard.  We've been trying to imitate it around the house since returning home but it's pretty hard to replicate.

There was a hippo who'd go swimmin' in his little swimmin' hole and spray all the people watching nearby

Sea lions...

 Lazy ass kangaroos...

And so many other animals that my son had only seen in books until today.  Bears and tigers and meerkats and snakes and tarantulas, giraffes, zebras and lemurs, and on and on.  He loved it.


And I noticed some time near the end of our visit that I hadn't heard a child crying or whining or being annoying all day long.  I think there's just something perfect about the marriage of children and animals.  They are rapt, fascinated, overjoyed.  They are tickled pink.  And the adults are, too.  Animals are amazing.


The only thing that really saddened me about the zoo is that the animals themselves seemed despondent.  Despite the fact that they are well fed and cared for, any fool can see that they are bound to be feeling the squeeze of too little space, too little variety, and the melancholy of being unable to exercise their hunting (and all other manner of) instincts.


I used to be very, very anti-zoo.  I swore I'd never take my child to one.  But that was before I had a child and realized how incredibly happy it would make him to go to one.  

Ugh.  I hope trying to be a good parent doesn't cause me lose sight of being a good citizen of the world.


I'm sure this is just the beginning...


And I fully plan to take him to another zoo.  Probably soon.

The GGA Project -- Day #292 "Musical Exploration"

For a while I've been wanting to introduce Monkey to a piano.  Well, he's actually met one before--at my girlfriend Kelsi's house--but I wasn't sure he'd even remember it.


Last night I was playing music from Pandora on my phone while he took a bath when "Great Balls of Fire" came on.  He went CRAZY.  He was laughing and imitating me pretending to play piano on the edge of the tub.  So I figured today would be a good day.


I remembered there was a piano store across the street from Santana Row in San Jose, and since we were headed down to hang out with Nicole and girls anyway, well...


Today's New Activity: Tickling Ivories with the Boy


So of course he didn't really PLAY the piano.  But he didn't bang on the keys either.  He would press the keys individually and listen to the sound.  That is, until he found the keyboards.  There were just way too many buttons to behold and explore, so he got a little wild during that part.


The employee there--a professional pianist himself--was very helpful and friendly, giving advice about when to start kids on lessons and related stuff.  I told him I recently heard a radio story in which adults were talking about how much they loved music until their parents forced them to learn an instrument.  I mentioned that I'd like to find that balance between encouraging his interest in music and pushing him away from it.


The man made a good point.  He said you have to find some other means, some other way too keep it interesting for them, some way to ignite their passion (according to him, this is the primary job of a good music instructor, which I believe).  "For example," he said, "if your child comes home from school and says "I don't like school.  I want to quit," you'd never just let them stop.  You would find a way to encourage them because you know it's good for him."  I like that analogy.  While I don't think every child needs to learn an instrument, I absolutely believe that most children who grow up playing hate and resent the practice part of it to some extent.  And yet if no parents out there made their kids keep on keepin' on with the lessons, there wouldn't be very many musicians out there.  Don't the majority of the great musicians start pretty young?


So yeah, he had a great time, but it'll be a few more years before I begin contemplating lessons.  I am, however, considering taking back the present I got him for his upcoming 2nd birthday and buying a keyboard instead.  Shhhhh....

The GGA Project -- Day #290 "Wouldn't Have Been *My* First Choice, But..."

As Mamas, especially of children as young and my son, I think we pretty much always think we know what's best for our kids...at least we think we know better than they do, right?  I mean we should.  That's why we're the moms and they're the kids--so that they have somebody around to show them the way, right?


Monkey is just shy of his 2nd birthday.  Up until now he's expressed very little in the way of opinion about pretty much anything.


Lately a line has crept into his repertoire and quickly become his favorite.  "I no like it!" he declares.  He'll say it about anything from a song that's just come on the radio to a food he loved just yesterday to a one of the apps within the kids' phone app I installed for him on my phone.  Half the time I really can't tell if he's sincerely disliking something or if he just likes gauging my reactions to his saying it.


So.  Today my Ma and I took the boy shoe shopping.  I was looking to find him some shoes for cooler weather that weren't as complicate to tie as the two pair of high-top Chuck Taylors he's got.  We really struck out with that, but while we were in the aisle I was trying other shoes on him just for fun: a pair of firefighter galoshes, some fake Crocs with a camouflage print.  He liked those okay but he didn't love them.  And he didn't need them either, so that was fine.


But suddenly he looked across the aisle and caught sight of a pair he just HAD TO HAVE.


Today's New Activity: Shoe Shopping, Monkey in Charge


"Monkey new shoes!" he said and he implored me to help him get them on.  "Monkey!  New Shoes!"  He was so excited I just couldn't pass them up.  It helped that they were on sale for $5.  But even more than that, I was just thrilled to see him have an opinion about what he was wearing.  And they were a little dorky but a decent enough choice.  They'll go with enough of his clothes, and if he LOVES them, I mean really....isn't it just the best thing in the world to see your child so happy about anything at all?

So we bought them.  And I was *that* Mom in the store who asks if she can borrow scissors to cut off tags so her child can just leave on the thing they are so excited to be wearing (the shoe store equivalent of letting the kid bust into the cookies before you've paid for them at the grocery store.  Yep.  Guilty of that one, too.  I never ever thought I'd be that Mom).  But you should have seen the look of pride on his face strutting out of the store.  It was the story of the day.  Everywhere we went he made mention of his new shoes.  And he was a super sweetheart all day, too.  So I was happy to have indulged him in a decent fashion choice.

The GGA Project -- Day #287 "On Home"

The other day I was talking to one of the only two friends I've made up here in the East Bay when it occurred to me that it's criminal I haven't made more friends in this place where I've now lived for a year and a half.  I put all my energy and put much of my time into maintaining relationships with all the people I know in the South Bay, and the overall effect that has is to keep me thinking that my living here in Hayward is somehow temporary.


When I think about it rationally, however, I can't see any likely change in circumstances so dramatic as to allow me to move any time soon.  To move out of my parents' home would mean taking a very well-paying full-time job only so that I could either pay thousands of dollars a month in child care or still live close enough to my parents that I could drive my son to their house every day before I go to work. What would be the point of that?!


While I've known all this in the back of my mind somewhere, I think I've been living in denial about it.  And it's not like my life is bad or even uncomfortable here.  On the contrary, living with the folks has been surprisingly manageable and easy when considering the fact that I'd been officially out of their house for 15 years at the time I moved in.  They are wonderful with my son, amazingly supportive of me and (for the most part :P) have refrained from straying into my personal life.  My situation here is blessed.  It is good.  And I consider Monkey LUCKY to have the chance to live with three of the people who love him most in the world all under one roof.


Wherein lies the issue, then?  That's a very good question.


I think I've felt that if I invested much of myself into this new place, it meant the reality of my change in life circumstances and direction would be finalized.  I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize this.  When my ex and I first moved in with the folks it was supposed to be for a 6-month period in advance of buying a home.  The stay was always supposed to be temporary.  So it is I continued to think of it as such.


Only everything is different now.  Everything is changed.


That finally hit me yesterday.  And so I started searching my company's job listings to see if there was a chance I could transfer to a branch closer to where I live.  Closer to what I've finally come to see is more than "where I live."  It is my Home.


Today's New Activity: Finally, Finally, Finding My Way Home


Today I talked to the manager of a branch in the East Bay, 15 minutes from my house (as opposed to the 45 min - 1 hour I spend commuting southward these days).  It seems there's a good chance I could make that transition.  And I surprised myself by feeling immediately open to the idea.  I realized that if I worked opening hours at this branch I could stop at the gym on the way home and make home in time for Monkey to wake up from his nap, and I'd still have hours to spend with him before bed.  I could take a road to work (a ROAD, no freeway necessary at all!) and be home before dark even in the dead of winter.  My Mom could bring my son by the branch during my lunch.


This also would mean giving up the convenience of an easy after-work commute down to San Jose on the days Monkey's not with me.  It would mean making fewer plans with my friends down that way and beginning to put down some roots up here.  It would mean calling Hayward home.


It would mean acceptance.


I see now that this is at the heart of everything.  As much as I thought I had, I really hadn't yet fully accept my life in its changed state.  Funny, given that I used to be so good with change.  Maybe I just hadn't ever been faced with change quite so profound until now.


It is a good thing, this acceptance.  I think my son will be better off--he'll be more relaxed and comfortable in his life without his Mama always having her heart and her thoughts and her friendships in a somewhere else where he wouldn't likely be living any time soon.  We are here and we shall be fully here.  And in that, we will know that our life is rich and beautiful and exactly as it should be in this moment.  As cliche as it is, this moment is really all we know we have.  I am finally ready to embrace that and open my eyes to all that is right here in front of me.


Now for that pesky transfer paperwork...

The GGA Project -- Day #282 "Not Lost...On an Adventure"

My parents' friend Stacy is visiting from Colorado, so we headed up to San Francisco for a day of touristy stuff.  And while we were at Fisherman's Wharf, caught sight of something perfect for

Today's New Activity: Getting Lost in the Infinite Mirror Maze

When you walk into the Infinite Mirror Maze and pay five dollars (free for kids), you are handed a pair of gloves and sent on your way.  The gloves are so you won't smear whatever's on your hands all over the mirrors, thereby ruining the optical illusion for everyone else.  And you would if they didn't issue those gloves, because the maze is impossible, and you are touching those mirrors constantly.  The only clue you can possibly go on to even get you moving anywhere but right into a mirror is in checking out the carpet.  You can just barely tell if the seem at the edge of every triangle of carpet meets a mirror or another triangle of carpet.  You can't tell beyond the very next triangle, so it's still incredibly slow going.


When we first set out (Monkey and me), there were a few other sets of Mamas with their kids, but after about 5 minutes in the maze, everyone else disappeared and at every turn all I saw were dozens of Monkeys and mes in the mirrors.  I have to admit I was a little claustrophobic at that point, wondering how long we'd be in there.  The man who admitted us had wisely advised me to hold Monkey's hand.  He said the little ones tend to run off and get lost.  I'm pretty sure that's my new worst nightmare, so I held on tight.


And I realized in that moment of semi-panic on my part that I had no room to waiver or freak out.  In Monkey's eyes I knew exactly what we were doing (isn't that a Mama's job?).  And I had no idea.  So this was definitely a case of "fake it til you make it."  And after a little while, we found the way out.  And my son emerged into the light as though we wander through impossible mazes all the time, like this was just an every day part of our lives.


When we caught up with everyone, we visited Zoltar, who informed us that Monkey had a lot of relaxation in his near future (read: naptime!).  Monkey loved him.

Just as he loved the huge fishies in the tank at Rainforest Cafe.  The animatronic gorilla and elephants?  Not so much.

That's pretty much it.  Just a fun day out with the folks and Stacy.  Yay!!