Omg, parenthood.
OMG, PARENThood!!
I'd been warned these days were on the horizon, the ones most people refer to as the "terrible twos." My Mom has chosen to call them the "terrific twos" instead, in an effort to bring about the best possible outcome through a positive outlook (spin) on things. So far, disciplining the Monkey has been only very marginally challenging. When I see some of the behavioral issues other parents are faced with, I've thanked my lucky stars for my son's good nature and mellow temperament. But I was also acutely aware that the fabled worst toddler years still lie ahead. And while I did expect to see some change in my son (testing boundaries, exercising his will to say "no"), I wasn't prepared for
Today's New Activity: Mama Hand Forced
I'm a big fan of the Super Nanny. I like her methods of discipline because they are firm and yet completely non-violent. As much as I applaud their effectiveness, I consider spanking and even the smacking of hands to be violent acts, neither of which I can imagine inflicting on my son. I have never had the desire to strike a child, and I fail to see how it can be seen as a loving act. It seems to me unpleasant for everybody involved. The Super Nanny demonstrates effective methods of discipline using a combination of time out punishment and congratulatory reward. While I fully planned to employ both, only the latter has been necessary so far. In all his life, Monkey has experienced something in the neighborhood of 3 time outs.
That was, of course, until today.
Today he was on quite the tear, blatantly ignoring requests, then directives, then forbiddings-not-to. By early afternoon he'd had 3 timeouts (which, I have to say, I was happy about in one regard: after the first time he got up and tried to escape his tiny time out chair and I sat him back down, he didn't keep getting up. He would sit there and do this super fake cry and, after 10 seconds or so of that, turn around to look at me with the hugest, cutest smile on his face and sing out, "hiiiiiii." It took a lot for me not to laugh out loud and rescue him from even that one minute of time out and snuggle him in my arms. For the most part, I was able to resist his formidable charms until the minute was up and we'd review the rule broken, apologize, exchanged "I love yous" and hugged).
In the afternoon I'd been telling him we were going to the library and then to the park. He started disobeying again just before we left, and I told him that if he did what he was doing one more time, I wasn't going to take him to the park. And you know what? He did it ANYway! I wasn't all that shocked, since kids do this sort of dare-your-to-keep-your-word-on-that testing of boundaries all the time. But this was the first time he's ever called my bluff on something like that. Good thing I wasn't bluffing. After the library we headed straight to the grocery store and then home.
There were two factors that I know made today more challenging on its own. First was that he didn't fall asleep during his nap time, as he usually does for 1-3 hours. Second, he'd just returned from his first ever two-consecutive-night stay at his Dad's house. I know that such a change in routine has the possibility of being challenging for even the most mild-mannered and easy-to-transition children. Hopefully he will become accustomed to the new change in schedule in a few weeks' time, and I'll see the return of my Monkey-go-lucky bundle of joy.
Something tells me, however, that the coming year is bound to see more of his tests of my will. And though it's tiring as hell, I'm ready to face it. As much as I hate to see him upset, and as doubly hard as it is to discipline him when he's being suuuuuuuper cute, as he typically is, the thought of raising a bratty child overrides all other challenges. As difficult as today was, it worked to make me that much more committed to the idea of holding strong and raising a child who knows the limits and respects them. I think it will make him a more pleasant adolescent, teenager, and adult to be around.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Ommmmmmmmmmmm...........
Showing posts with label Terrible Twos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Terrible Twos. Show all posts
7.07.2011
The GGA Project -- Day #208 "The Standoff: Part 2"
My son is getting to that age. You know, *that* age. I was reading the other day that the so-called Terrible Twos can start months earlier than 2. Really? I hadn't noticed. ;) Not that I'm going to call them that. We've already made a deal in this house that they are going to be the Terrific Twos! Right? Right?!?!
I think that rather than this phase of toddlerhood being marked by any specific common behaviors among kids this age, it is more of a common stance, a universal test, a 'tude (although tantruming and the word "no" are common across the board I think).
This evening at dinner, he was shouting "no no no" to all the things I was trying to offer him that were dinner appropriate. Instead of eating, he wanted to just suck down juice for 20 minutes. At one point, I decided it was enough juice and that he needed food. So I told him this much, moving to take the cup from his hands (which he's always been cool with before) and he yanked it back from me, yelling "no" and batting at my arm. It was not crazy behavior for a child his age, but I was taken a little aback. I started out okay, telling him that it wasn't nice to talk to his Mama that way and reminding him that I told him no more juice and he continued to be rude about it. What's more, he wouldn't look at me when I was trying to deliver my message.
Luckily, my Mom was sitting there at the table. She always reminds my son, when he tries to get away with stuff with her, that "this is not Nana's first rodeo." And tonight I was really in need of a seasoned cowgirl.
Today's New Activity: Watch and Learn, the Mama Edition
I know that it is really easy to let stuff like this go. It wasn't SUCH a big deal, and the ordeal would be over as soon as I let him have his juice back. But as a Mom you just *recognize* when a moment seems crucial and when letting it go seems like exactly the wrong thing to do. Still, having recognized that, I was at a loss. I said to my Mama, "what do I do now?"
She looked directly at my son and said in make-no-bones-about-it voice I remember from my own childhood: "____________, that is not a nice way to treat your Mama. You say you're sorry to your Mama." Monkey paused and looked thoughtfully for a moment, then repeated "no." It seemed we were at an impasse.
Here's the thing: I know that every interaction like tonight's will color the way my son responds to discipline in the coming years. Every time I warn him and don't follow through, every time I let things go without correcting him, and every time I am tested and give in, I send the message that I don't mean what I say and that he is actually the one in charge. Jeeze, this parenting business is tough. I have always said that my worst parenting nightmare would be to raise a brat, and we are right here in the thick of when whether or not I will come to live that nightmare is being determined on a daily basis. It's not time to get lazy.
Still, it is very hard to discipline. Though as an adult I have had dozens of experiences (especially working in retail) when I witnessed parents going too easy on their bratty kids and wished they'd Mom-up a bit, I now understand all the reasons why it's one of the hardest things to do. It is most unpleasant to do anything that makes your children feel unhappy. It REALLY IS harder on the parents than on the children to see them in any kind of distress, especially distress caused my the parents themselves.
But I had to go with my Mom on this. As children my brother and I were always praised for our polite behavior, and I know that came as a result of my Mom never giving up in moments like these. How she managed to know the right thing to do when in her early 20's herself back then, I will never know. But I can learn from it.
I was almost ready to let the whole hitting-Mama-and-yelling-"no" thing go and hand over the juice at that moment, but my Mom was right. What if it weren't me but some other person he was treating like that? I why should it be okay with me either?!
"________," I reinforced, "you do not talk to your Mama that way. You say you're sorry to Mama."
Silence. "________, look at me."
Refusal.
I took his head in my hands and turned him toward me, looking him in the eyes with my best Mama Means Business look. "________, that was not nice to hit your Mama. You say you're sorry to Mama."
Biggest, cutest doe eyes ever in the history of the planet.
"Sorry Mama," followed by a ridiculously sweet smile.
I swear I want to weep just writing that. It is the biggest, most amazing sense of relief to have your child do the right thing, especially when a standoff is involved. Every moment like this, when he cleans up his toys as requested or has a food-throwing do-over and skips the throwing the second time around (for example), feels like a tiny "meets standards" in the performance review of 18+ year job.
I have a huge sense of gratitude for the parental role models I find in my parents--especially my Mom, since she takes care of my son while I'm working. Although my parents are both full of grandparental love and have super squishy soft spots in their hearts for my boy, they are not push-overs and they never undermine my parenting wishes. And more than that, they can see ahead to how the disciplining decisions made now will affect my son's future, so they are willing to do the hard stuff even when I'm feeling lazy or overwhelmed. I think it would be such a gift if all children could have this extra set of love and also tough love around in their young lives.
I think that rather than this phase of toddlerhood being marked by any specific common behaviors among kids this age, it is more of a common stance, a universal test, a 'tude (although tantruming and the word "no" are common across the board I think).
This evening at dinner, he was shouting "no no no" to all the things I was trying to offer him that were dinner appropriate. Instead of eating, he wanted to just suck down juice for 20 minutes. At one point, I decided it was enough juice and that he needed food. So I told him this much, moving to take the cup from his hands (which he's always been cool with before) and he yanked it back from me, yelling "no" and batting at my arm. It was not crazy behavior for a child his age, but I was taken a little aback. I started out okay, telling him that it wasn't nice to talk to his Mama that way and reminding him that I told him no more juice and he continued to be rude about it. What's more, he wouldn't look at me when I was trying to deliver my message.
Luckily, my Mom was sitting there at the table. She always reminds my son, when he tries to get away with stuff with her, that "this is not Nana's first rodeo." And tonight I was really in need of a seasoned cowgirl.
Today's New Activity: Watch and Learn, the Mama Edition
I know that it is really easy to let stuff like this go. It wasn't SUCH a big deal, and the ordeal would be over as soon as I let him have his juice back. But as a Mom you just *recognize* when a moment seems crucial and when letting it go seems like exactly the wrong thing to do. Still, having recognized that, I was at a loss. I said to my Mama, "what do I do now?"
She looked directly at my son and said in make-no-bones-about-it voice I remember from my own childhood: "____________, that is not a nice way to treat your Mama. You say you're sorry to your Mama." Monkey paused and looked thoughtfully for a moment, then repeated "no." It seemed we were at an impasse.
Here's the thing: I know that every interaction like tonight's will color the way my son responds to discipline in the coming years. Every time I warn him and don't follow through, every time I let things go without correcting him, and every time I am tested and give in, I send the message that I don't mean what I say and that he is actually the one in charge. Jeeze, this parenting business is tough. I have always said that my worst parenting nightmare would be to raise a brat, and we are right here in the thick of when whether or not I will come to live that nightmare is being determined on a daily basis. It's not time to get lazy.
Still, it is very hard to discipline. Though as an adult I have had dozens of experiences (especially working in retail) when I witnessed parents going too easy on their bratty kids and wished they'd Mom-up a bit, I now understand all the reasons why it's one of the hardest things to do. It is most unpleasant to do anything that makes your children feel unhappy. It REALLY IS harder on the parents than on the children to see them in any kind of distress, especially distress caused my the parents themselves.
But I had to go with my Mom on this. As children my brother and I were always praised for our polite behavior, and I know that came as a result of my Mom never giving up in moments like these. How she managed to know the right thing to do when in her early 20's herself back then, I will never know. But I can learn from it.
I was almost ready to let the whole hitting-Mama-and-yelling-"no" thing go and hand over the juice at that moment, but my Mom was right. What if it weren't me but some other person he was treating like that? I why should it be okay with me either?!
"________," I reinforced, "you do not talk to your Mama that way. You say you're sorry to Mama."
Silence. "________, look at me."
Refusal.
I took his head in my hands and turned him toward me, looking him in the eyes with my best Mama Means Business look. "________, that was not nice to hit your Mama. You say you're sorry to Mama."
Biggest, cutest doe eyes ever in the history of the planet.
"Sorry Mama," followed by a ridiculously sweet smile.
I swear I want to weep just writing that. It is the biggest, most amazing sense of relief to have your child do the right thing, especially when a standoff is involved. Every moment like this, when he cleans up his toys as requested or has a food-throwing do-over and skips the throwing the second time around (for example), feels like a tiny "meets standards" in the performance review of 18+ year job.
I have a huge sense of gratitude for the parental role models I find in my parents--especially my Mom, since she takes care of my son while I'm working. Although my parents are both full of grandparental love and have super squishy soft spots in their hearts for my boy, they are not push-overs and they never undermine my parenting wishes. And more than that, they can see ahead to how the disciplining decisions made now will affect my son's future, so they are willing to do the hard stuff even when I'm feeling lazy or overwhelmed. I think it would be such a gift if all children could have this extra set of love and also tough love around in their young lives.
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