The GGA Project -- Day #230 "On Properly Celebrating [a] Life"

I mentioned last week that a former coworker of mine died suddenly at the tender age of 38.  William was a kind, low-key person with infinite patience (10 years' worth) for every manner of obnoxious customer one can imagine and without a bad word to speak of anybody.  It sent a ripple of shock through the group of friends who knew him to learn of the untimely loss.  And I know many of us were sorry to have missed his funeral and wake, which happened in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week.  We knew some kind of gathering was necessary...for us all to have the chance to get together and remember William--to celebrate his life.


An informal gathering was suggested by my friend Alejandra just the day after his death, and it was pleasantly surprising to see so many people make it out on a Monday night with just a few hours' notice.  We met at TGIF's that night, since that was where so many of our gatherings had taken place, back when Barnes & Noble was still a fun place to work, full of youthful, friendly people who shared a mutual respect and care for one another.


Today's New Activity: Remembering William, Barnes & Noble Style


We planned for a second gathering to take place tonight, since Friday seemed like a more easily accessible day on which to get together.  And a fitting remembrance it was.  Colleen and Will, who met a Barnes & Noble years ago and married a few months back, hosted the gathering at the home where Colleen used to host many a party, back in the day.  Will put together a beautiful slideshow of pictures, and people who hadn't gotten together in years were there to pay tribute.


One thing interesting to me was that I didn't hear a lot of talk about William tonight.  See, here's the thing: William himself didn't talk much.  He was always there, sometimes among the last to leave a get together, but he was very quiet in nature.  Tonight's felt like so many other gatherings at which William was present--even in life he was there more in spirit than in any sort of calling-attention-to-himself way.  I find that beautiful.  And I find it beautiful that--although he was so reserved in life--his loss was felt so deeply and by so many people.


I think about mortality with some frequency.  Perhaps more than average, perhaps not.  But it's been on my mind a lot lately, beginning about 6 weeks ago.  Nothing in particular set me thinking in that way.  It was just part of a cycle of thinking I return to in waves.


I discussed it most recently with Nicole following my attendance at the Pride Parade in San Francisco a few weeks ago.  I was telling her how brave I thought it was for people to live an out-of-the-closet homosexual life.  Despite the lifting of much of the stigma in recent decades, I know there is still plenty of misunderstanding if not downright judgment and hatred toward homosexuals, and I think it takes an amazing strength of spirit for somebody to come out, particularly to their closest friends and family.  Nicole said that she believes people who live in this way have the right thinking about what life is meant to be.  She related it to lucid dreaming--of being able to know you're in a dream and steer the events as you like--to do what you like without fear or reservation.  She related the event of one's death to the waking from such a lucid dream.  The idea was that, for all we know, this lifetime is all we have, and when it's over, our part in the experience of living has been played.  And so many of us play out that part according to the rules and script set forth by others, never taking the chance to orchestrate our own moves in this lucid dream of life.  Nicole really got me thinking with that.


Of course, she was not talking about living a debauched life of moral depravity and disregard for laws or for the feelings of others.  It was just about living fully out loud as the person who is bursting from within you, without worrying about the judgments of others or even the vast majority of social norms.  I love that idea.  I love love love that idea.


William's death, at such a young age and following just a year and a half after the death of his own sister, was just another reminder to me that we could suddenly and unexpectedly wake from this dream at any moment...or not.  There is really NO TIME AT ALL to waste, or to spend steeped in doubt, unhappiness, stress, or despair.  It's the best of The Shawshank Redemption: Time to get busy living or get busy dying.  And since we are all headed toward death anyway, every single day, there really is only one viable option among those two choices.  Living it is, then.


Among those in this group pictured below are some of my favorite people in the whole world, and for a long time running now.  I am so sorry it took the passing of one of them to get us all together again.  And how wonderful it was to be together again...all grown up, the partying and smoking days out of our systems, the benefit of a few years of wisdom and experience in our corners.  And with a freshly renewed appreciation for was a blessing it is to be alive.  Fully alive.

William, I hope to encounter you again, someday, somewhere.  And I hope someone is there with us to tell the sheep joke for old time's sake :)

The GGA Project -- Day #188 "Vested Interest"

I was spoiled by the experience of working for Barnes & Noble.  I've mentioned before that I made a lot of friends there who are still a big part of my life.  It was amazing to me that a store that at times employed 55-70 people could make the machine run with so little drama or gossip.  I've worked at 9-employee outfits where managing the personnel was a bigger issue.  My friend Nessa, who is the longest-running BN employee I'm friends with and I have 62 friends in common, according to Facebook.  Now, this does include siblings and good friends of employees who were brought into the folds, but that makes it all that much better.  It really was--and in certain ways continues to be--one big, happy family.


It stands to reason that employment opportunities like that don't come along all the time.  And I certainly wouldn't advise working any kind of retail long term if you're looking to become wealthy or like the idea of having your weekends free.  The perks associated with working at the bookstore were more intrinsic than tangible, but there was a lot to be said for them.


First of all, people who work in bookstores like to read.  Duh.  The thing is, after so long working in the bookstore, it's easy to begin assuming that most people like to read.  But 5 minutes working elsewhere are enough to disabuse a former-employee of that notion.


Secondly, working at a place with so many employees (especially employees who are generally curious and informed) ensures a lot of interesting conversation.  And since there is such a wide variety of interests, which often get shared and adopted by others, the whole crew is somewhat well-rounded.  I know I sound like I'm waxing a bit nostalgic (and for certain I am), but I can honestly say that the difference between working at Barnes & Noble and working anywhere else I've worked has been stark.  I miss those days well and truly.


Since joining my new company, I haven't made any new friends.  In the beginning, I wasn't even interested in making new friends.  I was very sad about going back to work after having Monkey in the first place, and I was also stress-out about what was going on at home at the time.  I didn't even think about socializing with my co-workers, but I suspect that even if I had, I wouldn't have found much opportunity.  I'd yet to connect on any substantial level with any of my fellow employees save one, who was also going through a difficult marital situation.  But even that was a pretty surface-level connection.  I simply hadn't found anybody at work with similar interests or overlapping senses of humor.  Apparently the common denominator among people who work at banks--if any--is merely the necessity of having need and found a job.


When I transferred to my new branch (going on 3 months ago now) I breathed half a sigh of relief.  My managers were much more approachable and relaxed than any of those at my former branch, and the whole vibe in the branch was more friendly and customer service-oriented.  Already things were looking better.  We laugh a lot throughout the day, and I didn't find the level kind of stress and looking-over-of-shoulders that was so prevalent before.


Still, I'd yet to make a significant connection or have much of a desire to hang out with any coworkers outside of work.


Today's New Activity: One Step Closer to Friendship at Work


Two days ago we found out my Assistant Manager had been transferred to another branch, effective next week.  So we quick threw together a goodbye dinner for tonight to take place at BJ's right after work.  It was nice to see that everyone cared enough to show up, even the banker who was off for the day.  We had a nice time and sent my manager off fondly and with appreciation.


And the extra nice part was that the hangout extended beyond dinner.  It was just a beer and about 1 1/2 of talking, but it was a refreshing break from the corporate banking environment that typically casts its looming shadow over any interesting conversation that could be happening at work.  It was nice to laugh freely without worrying about stopping when the next customer appeared.  And it was also nice to be able to finally know a little something more about my coworkers' (real) lives.


Or maybe, it was just nice to be emotionally ready to care.


It's difficult to work day-by-day alongside people in whom you have invested very little time or emotional energy.  It's taxing to make small talk and keep up a work-appropriate front.  And though I know all that will continue during working hours, I liked getting a peek into my coworkers' interests and even just to know how they dress when they're not in the standard-issue work duds.


And while I don't think it's likely I'll make the kinds of friends at my current job that I made at the bookstore, I could definitely get used to tonight's new level of familiarity.

The GGA Project -- Day #155 "You Look Wonderful Tonight"

There are many things for which I give thanks for my time working at Barnes & Noble.  One of those things is the amazing, lasting friendships that have come from my off-and-on Bookseller years.  Though few of us still work there, many of us old school Booksellers have managed to keep in touch through major life changes.

Another thing I'm thankful to BN for is that it's the place where a few of the best couples I know met and fell in love.  I think two of those couples are on their way to the altar within a couple of years, two have already been married for years, and one tied the knot just today, in a beautiful, rain-free ceremony (which is significant because it was raining and even hailing at times just hours before the nuptials were set to take place), off of Skyline, overlooking the bay.

Colleen and Will met when she was the children's department Lead and he worked in the music department. Colleen, super outgoing and ever-friendly and gregarious, used to throw these great parties at her house near the store (which I was always shocked never attracted a noise warning from the neighbors) and pretty much everyone was invited.  Will was always a quiet attendee, fully there but not one to hog the spotlight.  Somehow, they noticed each other at some point and have been honies for about 6 years now.

I have been out of touch with Colleen until I ran into her at our mutual friend Brian's birthday party in January, but it's been great to catch up with her, and I was incredibly honored to have been invited to share in hers and Will's celebration.

Today's New Activity: Post-Separation Wedding Attendance

One may imagine I would have mixed feelings about going to a wedding in the midst of my own divorce, but I have not found that to be the case.  There were actually two weddings this weekend (one was my cousin's in Auburn which circumstances prevented me from attending), and from the moment I heard of each I was excited about the idea of going.

Here's the thing: I don't have mixed feelings about love.  I have many strong and at times confusing feelings about what went on in my own marriage, but love itself seems pretty straight forward to me: it is the act of looking another person in the eyes, seeing that person for everything he or she really and truly is, and embracing that truth, that person, wholeheartedly.

I look at Colleen and Will, hear their story, and I know theirs is a beautiful, mutually respectful love, which emanates from them when they look at each other, even after 6 years together.  That's the kind of couple you love to see get married...the kind you have the utmost confidence in.  I love that Colleen hasn't changed at all since she and Will became a couple.  I mean, I'm sure there are areas in which she'd say she's improved as a result of having known and loved Will, and I'm sure he'd say the same of himself.  But the fundamentals of each of their personalities remain wholly intact.  And you can see that each of them loves the other completely, exactly as is.  I cannot think of a better prospect in life than to be loved for exactly who you are.

I was thinking about this wedding all week as the forecast promised ominous-looking thunderstorms for today.  Though I've been to a wedding on a rainy day that turned out to be uniquely romantic, I know that nobody really hopes for rain on their wedding day.  I also should have recognized, however, that Colleen is the kind of joyful optimist who could will away rainclouds on sheer positive thoughts.  Of COURSE the rainclouds would get it out of their system and clear the way for a gorgeous afternoon!

I loved this ceremony because the bride and groom didn't take everything too seriously, and it had a lightness that in no way detracted from the fullness of its beauty.  I was in happy tears long before the bridal party even made their way down the aisle.  A couple of young men (members of Will's family, I'm guessing) sang and played a version of Eric Clapton's "You Look Wonderful Tonight" that was, I felt, better than the original; me and Maribel, sitting next to me, were fumbling around for tissue before the end of the first verse.

Then Will made his way down the aisle with Toby, the couple's dog, his companion and ring bearer.  Too cute.

Next came the bridal party followed by Colleen, who was as carefree and calm as could be.  I think lots of brides could take a lesson from her on how to truly enjoy your wedding day!

The ceremony was lovely and brief, which was nice because although it wasn't raining, it was at times chilly with the breeze.  I think everyone's favorite moment, apart from the official marriage announcement of course, was when Will took out his phone to read the wedding vows he'd written.  Nice, modern take :)

Will, at times, displayed the solemnity of a truly thoughtful man.  You could see that this moment was a very meaningful one for him.  I love that, in her vows, Colleen described Will's quiet strength.  I feel like men who don't say much are often mistaken for so many things other than what they really are at heart, and that people don't recognize how truly confident and inspiring of confidence such men are.  Cheers to Colleen for recognizing that great quality.  I'd be hard-pressed to think of a better-matched pair.

If anybody's looking for a wedding venue, I'd have to jump in and recommend this one (The Mountain Terrance in Woodside).  The setting was just amazing and the food was awesome!  These are like the two most important things when it comes to wedding venues, no?  I had to leave before the free-for-all dancing and the cupcakes, but I was so grateful to have spent the afternoon and early evening in the presence of old friends, and to witness the union of two great people.

As for post-divorce weddings, bring them on.  I love weddings.  Love them.  That hasn't changed a bit.  I would attend a wedding every day if I had the chance.  It's, I think, an under-appreciated honor to be in the presence of people experiencing (as it is for many) the happiest day of their lives.  To the Cadiz's....may you live many many years bringing this kind of smile to each other's faces!